Confessions of the impertinent predilections of a sinner...

I've never felt this feeling before, or should i say, never encountered the intensity of such feelings - being overwhelmed by both sadness and feelings of plain nothingness. I'm sinking deeper into this nothingness. And it just sucks because i know i still love him very much...even more than before. And i would still want to be with him very much... for the better or worse...

Guess the theory of 'You just can't have the things you want the most' sinks in here. Fuck it, seriously. I don't want to think about it. It just makes me feel so sick, so drained with exhaustion. Stupid of me to cling onto something that's not what i want. Perhaps, all i want is to see him happy, thats why i'm hanging on.

I can feel my heart being torn away...That slow and painful process. I was talking to Ju-er over lunch while waiting for the 1st yr anniversary gift that i ordered, custom made. As she sat opposite me, picking up a fry and looked at me.

'I really don't understand you. WHy do you love him so much? There're better looking, people with a more rewarding personality, than him! WHY still him!'

I smiled weakly and told her that it doesn't help a bit, at all. She got my point and continued munching. I sat there and felt so helpless. Am i useless or just useless? Is it so difficult to pull out of the relationship? A relationship that everyone deems, 'hopeless and detrimental'? A relationship that will not bring me happiness but pain and antagonistic struggles, and emotional abuse. Yet, a relationship that i really want to last forever. I don't blame him for all these shortcomings. Everyone has their own. It's just a choice, whether or not to accept him for who he REALLY is.

I guess i'm being a very demanding and difficult girlfriend. He needs a break. And i think i need to understand him more, and not be so selfish. I do.

I hate myself so much...sigh.


You dont know how much tears this is costing me. I love you, nonetheless.
After reading this.,i know you'd be really angry with me and ask me to let go, if its so f-ing difficult for me to stay.
I don't want to go...I really don't...