Confessions of the impertinent predilections of a sinner...

Stars...

I paced down the familiar corridor with much alacrity, bearing in mind the other patients who were fast asleep. The overwhelming smell of disinfectants no longer posed as a constant irritation to me. Finally, i saw the ward number 46, and took a sharp turn,disappearing into the pitch dark ward. Due to heavier work commitments, i arrived late, standing by my father's bed. The ward was silent by now. The whirling of the ceiling fans penetrated the disconcerted silence in the atmosphere. I stared listlessly,down at my father who laid limp, on his bed. I wanted to hold his hand, talk to him and find out how he was feeling, hoping his condition has improved. That little spark of hope i clung onto, was minimastically pathetic. Flashbacks of the doctor's speeches recurred in my head. I was reminded of my father's condition - he didn't have much time left. The slightest thought of it sent torrents of tears trickling down my warm cheeks. I sniffled, trying to fight them back.

Intrinsically a light sleeper, my father woke up. He caught sight of my tears, and stared at me sadly. He managed to speak, in a thin, raspy voice :'Son, take me out for a walk, will you? I want to see if there're stars tonight.' I strained my ears as i struggled to make out his almost incoherent speech, fearing that he might overwork himself while trying to repeat what he said. Reluctantly, i took the wheelchair and brought him out to the sanctuary. He lifted his head anxiously, to find a dark sky spotted with many specks of shine and gliterry artpieces. For once in many years, i've never managed to see my father smile like he really meant it - often to comfort my worried sick,soul. My heart skipped a beat.

I knew why he requested for this walk in the park. I treaded the soft wet grass beneath me, slowly, as i reminisced the times i had spent with him when i was a little boy. I used to cry unconsolably at night when i couldnt get to sleep. My worn out father took me to the garden one night, cuddling me in his arms. The pain in his eyes were piercing, as the young, weary father did not know what to do. He pointed out the many spots of light in the pitch dark night sky and said 'Look baby, do you know what is that? It is a star!' He told me the star was so small but yet wasn't engulfed by the overwhelming darkness of the night sky. Thus, he wanted me to grow up as a strong little boy, just like the stars that appear at night. He taught me to be brave and bold like shining stars. I promised him and from then on that i'll be his little star and i never cried at night anymore.

Snapping out of my reverie, my father had passed out, unnoticed. A knife-piercing pain stabbed my heart as i jumped to my senses. I rushed him into the hospital and called for the doctor urgently.

' Your father didn't manage to pull throught this time. I'm sorry.'

I sat there blankly as i watched them wheel my beloved out of the operation theatre. The world around me died away. The tears that rushed to my eyes this time was incomparable to any other occasion that bore grief and sorrow. I cried like a baby...wailing shamelessly as if there was no one around me.

I knew my father thought that i had forgot about that very memorable incident. He must have been upset and disappointed. Most of all, hurt.

'I didn't forget it at all daddy.' But...

'Your little star is crying again.I'm sorry.'