extra miles and whatever it takes...

Spinning and weaving my own circles of confusion that leads to nowhere - eventually a blackhole that places me onto unfamiliar grounds, yet. Indeed, perhaps I'm trying too hard to love the world. Little thoughts that're unreciprocated - we often take for granted. Too often than not, I've been persuading myself to drop the idea of making someone happy by going the extra mile - even if it means just an unexpected phone call, ending a gathering earlier than usual just to rush home to ensure that you can dash out at any instance to surprise that someone, getting up early to beat the time... anything.

I've learnt that extra miles are taken because we, subconciously, expect the other to be elated or at least, surprised. I do not doubt that it does not cost much at all - loosing a little sleep, missing out a little catching up wiht friends or just a few minutes in our hectic lives... But the bigger thing that extra miles have taken away from me, is the emotional well-being of me. Whenever i find myself stuck in such atrocities of my good intentions, my emotional being erodes like a landslide in a heavy downpour - all because it just doesnt seem to be appreciated. I think i need a life, seriously. Being affected by such gritty events when the world has so much more to offer. Basically, its discouraging to be filled with anticipation only to realise the other has conveniently forgotten all about time or, you. I don't wish to go into details but i hope this is comprehensive enough.

I am not giving up. Because i am still clinging onto hope - that these little things do matter and makes them happy. only because they matter to me. I am not sure how i am going to go about doing this. Here i am, picking myself up again as i type this. Though every fall marks a strike on my heart like an engraving on an ancient scoreboard - irreversible. Soon, there'll be no space left. Then flip my heart around and continue marking those. At least i am still trying, meaning there's still a slight chance that you might be happy. Whatever it takes, i guess. perhaps when i love, i love more than i love myself.

and i think its 'cos i love you more than i love myself.


Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I have no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Please lady please lady
don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives

Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
and it's that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free
hey lady I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me...

I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

random train of thoughts on mismatched platforms...

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.

this time, I really wasn't ready.
my thoughts swarmed over with curious fireflies
blinking discovery and revelation.

I traveled, against inner want.
should I not be with my brethren?
how they worry me so, each their own inner turmoil.
so for what, have I journeyed,
idle time spent in habitual play?

to resume the role as slave to the sloppy?
to subject myself to the degradation
of self-righteous perceptions of reliability, responsibility
to hear, once more, why I cannot belong?

when I have an instinctual feel for silent desperation
from those who
begin, and end, build, and complete me
how is it I have walked away?

beyond all doubt,
I came
of course
for him.

I have no other tasks at hand these next few months,
and I do desire to be immersed in his warmth.
yet I am too far to comfort them.
and other options for replacing modern rituals
are about to explode and drastically alter my scenery...
which I will run, full tilt, to pounce upon.

as much as I would enjoy
extending my pleasant stagnation, here,
my resolve seems this time
to be final.

I wish only to revel in fireflies
(they spawn so rapidly in the atmosphere of home.)

for what is life, but a series of moments.
what are moments, but a series of thoughts.
and thoughts, so driven by emotion.

these emotions, stemming
as most say, from the heart...

and my heart beat echoes elsewhere.

when all fades to grey

today, holding hands has lost its meaning altogether. like a child without exuberence. like a plane without wings.

so now, i'll reach out to yours like i always did.hug you even tighter than how you do when we enter the lift.pull you closer to me as if the world around us came to a standstill. kiss you even when heads would turn our way. cos i want you to feel the happiness that i would feel when someone does that to me. i'll gladly want you to feel loved like how i felt - butterflies fluttering in my tummy.

;cos i finally told you how much i'd always wished you would hold mine in yours. now that you do, its because you know its what i wished for, not because you really wanted to. i don't want to wait till we reach home, or when we're in the lift when no one else but the stars knows i love you. what if i never made it home?

and so a new term begins...

yet again. yes i know.

first week at school. Having been through a year at it, nothing much really got me excited besides the assignments and contents of my new syllabus that came with the course switch. Haah. I feel like a nerd like never before. but rest assured i feel that im starting to have fun ((: whee!

i desperately need to find out when are the tennis trials for school team, dammit. I so need to play tennis like how i need to feeed an addiction to a certain synthetic drug. man-made. haha. however, i'm giving thanks 'cos that inclination is subdued, just barely.

Man, i ran out of things to type. And i can't put a finger that why this is so. damn. and i suspect its all because i don't have a life. urgh. very demoralising indeed. ohoh! samuel's birthday this sat at phuture. to holla down or not. tough choice :(

anyways, a little picture update (:

i'll let the following pictures do some explanation on how i got this. enjoy (:













how often can you get friends who are willing to drop whatever they're doing on a saturday night, and party with you with just a pathetic 30 minutes notice before hand just because school was gonna start for you? these are the fantastic people. and thus, relating back to the first picture, no points for guessing how hard i partied that night. =D

I'm such a lucky bitch man. :) anyway, to YL and mel, it'll be your turn come 5th of May :) wooots!

you're my star-crossed lover, with that arrow in my heart.

clarity.

an eternity within a split second
of guided meditation

I was infinite
lain naturally,
naked in the atmosphere
softly settling upon a junction
of all existence

sinking gently into soft sand
a mane of golden locks entwined in tall grass
one palm soaking the energy of the sun
the other resting upon rich soil
knees settled to one side
spine twisted in a spiral
feet submerged in cool water
waves bathing my legs
lapping at my thighs

completely enveloped in the calm,
the image blurring and sharpening
in tune to the soothing rhythm
of the outer body's breath

become, for a moment,
the intangible presence beneath my physical body
gazing down, dreamily,
from above

as I witness myself, below,
writhing, and smiling,

and perfect

eyes closed

shining clarity
throughout the mist shielding me from reality
I awoke from this trance with only one thought

I am this.

and now, after my footfalls on snow
my footprints drowned in a steady stream of other beings
each as human as I
after studying the sensation of winter's chill
the answer
the revelation
this
continues to elude me

yet as I feel something deeper is satisfied
fulfilled in a way I could neither imagine,
nor understand,

for this moment, at least,
there is nothing else.