Broken hearts, broken dreams
They're just some things that love brings
When you learn that its all been a lie
You cry
You find that

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till you're burned by the flame

Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing, hurts,
like love

So you gave all you had
How this story turned so sad
Nothing left but the tears in your eyes
You die inside, cause

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn till you get burned
Till you're burned by the flame

Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing, hurts
Like love

So dry your eyes
It's just your turn to learn
Your time to find that

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain
And you'll never learn
Till you get burned
Till you're burned by the flame

Nothing hurts so bad
Nothing hurts so much
No nothing, hurts
Like love

The weekend, vanquished in the mere snap of the fingers. Have you ever asked yourself what you've accomplished? How i feel like talking to my blog now. I must be rather deranged, demented. Have you ever felt you're so overwhelmed with so much feelings, its gonna cause an explosion, and you can't wait to pour it out to somewhere where nobody knows...

But when you get to the 'Create Post' page on the monitor, you position the crouched fingers on the keyboard but nothing comes out at all. Nothing. You try a little harder, but it just doesn't seem right... and you don't know what you're typing. The feelings still trapped inside, every minute passes by not making it any more bearable.

Then you give up, and retreat to a corner...


You must be the missing piece...cos there's something in the way you look at me.

Taken at Swang's birthday party :) brithday kiss from the birthdat girl. She's on your left. :)

COWBIT! YOU BUGGER! :p Okay, here's the post i've promised. :p Hee. There's nothing much going on in my life right now. Smooth sailing.... I'm hesitant about that description about my life emotionally. I wish it were smooth sailing, i would say. But i've gotta face the facts. It's been taken on a roller coaster ride. A fatally fluctuating one. The feeling just sucks.





The next moment, you're plummetted deep into the chasms of nothingness, uncertainties and fears. And, at the blink of an eye, you're high up there, even more exhilarated than being on cloud 9 (which makes it cloud 10 and above). I think i'm going insane. Perhaps, this is yet another suckie phase of the what-they-call, LIFE.

"Let Her Go"

You were her only girl
The most precious thing in her world
And I know it makes you cry
That you never got to say goodbye

You were just running out of time
To say what was on your mind
You never wanted her to leave
And mom I know it makes you grief

But why don't you celebrate the moments that you shared yeah
'Cuz now she's watching over you
It's true
And you know it too

[CHORUS]
Just let her go...
If you can't take the pain
Of a broken heart
Just let her go...

I know it feels as though hope is gone
And it hurts to think of moving on
But she'd never want to see you sad
Even though I know this hurts so bad

Devoted a life to you
And helped raise the grandson too
And now I hope you realize
That I'll always be there by your side

But why don't we celebrate the moments that we shared yeah
'Cuz now she's watching over you
It's true
And you know it too

[CHORUS]

You never knew how much she tried to fight it
And when you needed her around she'd be there
But you can reassure yourself that she's at ease
And that's why it's time for you
To...

[CHORUS]

If you can't take the pain
Of a broken heart
Just let her go... (just let her go, let her go)

If you can't take the pain
Of a broken heart
Just let her go... (just let her go, let her)

If you can't take the pain

I haven't much to blog about lately. Anyways, its SWANG'S BIRTHDAY!!! SO, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWANG!

This is for SWANG.
Thank you for all the times you stood by me. I know you meant well. :) I'm just plain stubborn when you think maybe i don't understand. I hope that i'm not just one of the people who just come and go in your life. I WILL visit you in Melbourne okay. :) Thank you for all the crazy times, all the JU-ER times!!! (whahaha) It hasn't been long, but i'll remember it, nevertheless. Hope the surprise was plesant and of all, memorable :) I love you. :) *I think i will cry when i send you off* :p (shhh...)

Another day and month to MINE. Hmmm, i'm still wondering why i don't want a big party thrown for me. I'm turning 17. Its only 17, they say. You must enjoy. BUT I PREFER IT QUIET. Haah.

I spoiled, by your love baby...

This post is for yesterday.

I was really happy. A feeling i've never felt for a long time... The company was great, i should say, everything went well... I enjoyed the overlooking of the entrance of Sentosa and the harbour the most. With the wind blowing in my face....

The silence wasn't awkward.... but calming and soothing. The haze suddenly didn't matter at all. Reminiscing was the most painful part, i guess. I tried hard not to cry... and walked away to hide it all. But i was feeling better.

All in all, Yimmie felt somewhat... different. Maybe I've changed.

Thoughts as for today.

Maybe it was a mistake.
A slip of the mind.
You forgot.
Perhaps, I'm too tight on you.
I'm too anal about stuff.
I don't give you
enough time to change.

Word are just words, afterall.
Perhaps, you're worth nothing
because you are nothing.
If that is true,then,
I'm the perfect fool for you.
You said you'd never let me down.
Maybe time is all you need.

So now,I'm leaving you alone.
To have all the time you need,
all the space to think,clearly.
Or, all the freedom to soar.
Soar or fall deeper into decadence.
While I try to climb that stairway,
that stairway to eternity...

So please,this is my last plea,
you and i,hand in hand,
climbing toward the golden sea.
With light shining on our faces,
as we look back at that dark alley,
and let that accomplished feeling
overwhelm us,unending.

Then i promise you,
the most wonderful journey.

Played tennis in the evening today. Its been a while....It really has. Haa. Tennis forced me to get my mind of some stuff. Tired though, and hungry too. I went to bathe after tennis, and used the weighing machine in the toilet since they provided. I LOST ONE KG IN TWO DAYS. Heh. I'm sure i've gained it back after dinner. :D

I am going to phsyco my parents to get the Seletar Country Club membership!!! Its so quiet and nice there... I like it. And the toilet's nice too. They provide nice smelling soap, shampoo, towels, lockers, hairdryers, L'oreal toners, spacial bath cubicles, air-con toilets, and a weighing machine!!! Haahaa, I'm impressed.

Oh well, I'm gonna read up on my practicals now and then head to bed. Tennis followed by a full dinner = sleepy! :)

Oh yes, my veins are better now. After a bit of exercising... :)
Thanks to Leon :) for the evening.


These are temporal happiness. I come home,facing emptiness. You're my long term happiness. You make it happen. No one else can.

My stupid camera phone isn't very good,i realised.

The veins looked worse today. I woke up to see the unsightly decolored lines surfacing at every joint of my finger. Then, the faint creeping of it up my palm. Went down to the kitchen...

Apple grapejuice

Milk

Koko crunch cereal

I couldn't even break the ice from the ice tray this time. I felt so bloody weak. I hate this feeling. What the hell is happening to you? Oh no... I struggled, and struggled. Finally, a pathetic part of the tray gave in and released 4 cubes of ice. Damn. I need to fill my big mug. Frustration set in... but i managed to take out more. But felt drained after that. Drained to the point, i shivered while pouring the apple grape juice out from the carton. What the hell? Arrgh...

I think its high time i stop drinking till i look shitfaced... I mean, stop drinking completely,perhaps.

The love of God, heals...more powerfuly than anyone or anything else.

An empty room can be so deafening, the silence makes me wanna scream, it drives me crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name, and burned the picture in a frame, but it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried, well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up, to watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me, but couldn't give you what you need.

You walked away, you stole my life, just to find what you're looking for.
But no matter how I try,I can't hate you anymore....
I can't hate you anymore.

You're not the person that you used to be, the one I want who wanted me, and that's a shame but, there's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes, and I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight, it slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?


Only you know/can stop these tears...

I was bathing and looked at my hands casually, and found that my veins are turning hideously blue-greenish, which totally freaked me out. My skin never seemed so translucent. I could see my veins all the way to my elbow.... and even through my palms. That blue-greenish color. Perhaps its the alcohol therapy's side effects. Sigh... ... Oh, and my pants slid even lower today and the Everlast watch never was so loose even when i strapped it through the tightest buckle. Looks like I'm losing some weight here. No appetite. But i promised Cowbit i'll eat more. I'll try :) Thanks for that surprise choco cake! Its really nice.

Its sundown again. Sheesh. I'm so afraid. I feel there's this impending fear of loneliness that will consume me slow and painfully. The vacuum,the void... I hate the letter 'V'.

Urgh... Now, no there's no one who can bring me home anymore. Michael Buble's 'Home' is on repeat mode tonight, as i cry silently to myself. My mother hasn't been of much help. In fact, she's adding to this phalanx of daggers customised to aim at my heart.

Tonight, the last tear will cascade gracefully down my warm cheeks as i fall asleep unconsciously, waking up to another meaningless day. The days have become nameless. It doesn't matter if its monday or friday or saturday,even. Its all the same now.

Thank you everyone, for your care, concern... :) Yimmie loves all of you. You know who you are! :)

I'm not the gal in your dreams...

Somehow, i can't put a finger as to why i have nothing to blog about although there have been so many emotions running through me incessantly. I only slept at about 8 am today. But woke up at 11 crying in bed again. Cowbit called... so i was trying to reply him between sobs and we talked for a while.

Lethargy was overwhelming... but i just can't get to sleep. I laid in bed a while more and decided to make use of my time more constructively. I woke up, with a mouth feeling dehydrated from the excess alcohol intake from last night. I trudged into the washroom and cleaned up, with a throbbing head.

The listless stare made me feel so much like a zombie. Perhaps, i felt i've lost something really special, something that's been a big part of me. Yet, atrociously cruel, nothing can ever replace it. I probably can never love again. I feel that i've lost myself. Maybe i'll become another of those bitches who just fuck around for fun and break others' hearts over and over again for all i care.

I don't want to loose myself. I loved the way i was. Besides, its my science practicals for 'O' levels tomorrow. I'm so screwed.


I'm left with nothing. And with nothing else to say.Maybe i have too much, i don't know where to start.

Last weekend was a very different weekend for me. I don't know how i really feel because the outcome somehow dampened it. The big thing is that : I finally managed to treat myself with some justice and spoke a little of my heart out, and portrayed how i really felt. But, the heart to heart talk was brushed off twice, deliberately, sending my poor temple, shattered into smithereens. I thought he said heart-to-heart talks are always times he'd treasure most. or so, i thought,as far as i could remember. Perhaps he felt threathened? Maybe i was too harsh? Sigh, i feel like such a failure. A failure at being a girlfriend, whipped up an entire fiasco trying to love someone for who he really is, I can't even put my true feelings across to him (SIMPLY). I feel like shaking my self to my senses and asking myself :'WHAT THE ____ IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!' arrgh. Damn... I so hate myself.

These are the times when i finally learn that heart-to-heart talks are not the mushy stuff like:

I really love you baby...
No matter what, I'm forever by your side...
This relationship has made me a better person
I see my future, with us in it..
Etc, and the list goes on...

Controversial topic of the week: 'What your bf/gf doesn't know, wouldn't hurt him/her.'


If only i could start smoking now...

I forgot that pretending to be happy, doesn't make me happy at all.

So, screw it. I'm gonna stop these pretence. And be who i really am, show how i really feel...

This is killing me...

The silence... the invisible wall of hostility...

I must carry on...loving.



I don't know why baby, i don't know...

Its Friday the 13th!!! Yikes. Okay. I didn't notice until my friend reminded me today. Had farewell ceremony for the graduating classes today. Took tonnes of pictures with anyone and everyone... Whee~

Well, on the other hand. Bouts of uncertainties are starting to engulf me slowly. I only sent him one text message during the entire perod when i was in school. And i didn't feel much, besides the part where i kept looking at my phone hoping that he'd send me a text message on his own accord.

But he didn't. That one and only message i sent was to ensure him that i'm not drawing away from him. (which i really am trying to). I would say it was pretty much a success because i didn't feel much. Perhaps its because i was preoccupied with too much fun fooling around and snapping pictures with my classmates.(not forgetting the crazy poses!!!)




Baby,am i worth a chase?

I've never felt this feeling before, or should i say, never encountered the intensity of such feelings - being overwhelmed by both sadness and feelings of plain nothingness. I'm sinking deeper into this nothingness. And it just sucks because i know i still love him very much...even more than before. And i would still want to be with him very much... for the better or worse...

Guess the theory of 'You just can't have the things you want the most' sinks in here. Fuck it, seriously. I don't want to think about it. It just makes me feel so sick, so drained with exhaustion. Stupid of me to cling onto something that's not what i want. Perhaps, all i want is to see him happy, thats why i'm hanging on.

I can feel my heart being torn away...That slow and painful process. I was talking to Ju-er over lunch while waiting for the 1st yr anniversary gift that i ordered, custom made. As she sat opposite me, picking up a fry and looked at me.

'I really don't understand you. WHy do you love him so much? There're better looking, people with a more rewarding personality, than him! WHY still him!'

I smiled weakly and told her that it doesn't help a bit, at all. She got my point and continued munching. I sat there and felt so helpless. Am i useless or just useless? Is it so difficult to pull out of the relationship? A relationship that everyone deems, 'hopeless and detrimental'? A relationship that will not bring me happiness but pain and antagonistic struggles, and emotional abuse. Yet, a relationship that i really want to last forever. I don't blame him for all these shortcomings. Everyone has their own. It's just a choice, whether or not to accept him for who he REALLY is.

I guess i'm being a very demanding and difficult girlfriend. He needs a break. And i think i need to understand him more, and not be so selfish. I do.

I hate myself so much...sigh.


You dont know how much tears this is costing me. I love you, nonetheless.
After reading this.,i know you'd be really angry with me and ask me to let go, if its so f-ing difficult for me to stay.
I don't want to go...I really don't...

Yimmie didn't blog yesterday. But Yimmie was a happy soul.
Today, Yimmie is still a happy soul.

Yimmie's a mugger, currently...

At least i try...to study, and try to be happy. They say its good for the health.

They say... 'People don't change, silly girl. Stop wasting your time.'


Do you know how much you mean to me;

Stars...

I paced down the familiar corridor with much alacrity, bearing in mind the other patients who were fast asleep. The overwhelming smell of disinfectants no longer posed as a constant irritation to me. Finally, i saw the ward number 46, and took a sharp turn,disappearing into the pitch dark ward. Due to heavier work commitments, i arrived late, standing by my father's bed. The ward was silent by now. The whirling of the ceiling fans penetrated the disconcerted silence in the atmosphere. I stared listlessly,down at my father who laid limp, on his bed. I wanted to hold his hand, talk to him and find out how he was feeling, hoping his condition has improved. That little spark of hope i clung onto, was minimastically pathetic. Flashbacks of the doctor's speeches recurred in my head. I was reminded of my father's condition - he didn't have much time left. The slightest thought of it sent torrents of tears trickling down my warm cheeks. I sniffled, trying to fight them back.

Intrinsically a light sleeper, my father woke up. He caught sight of my tears, and stared at me sadly. He managed to speak, in a thin, raspy voice :'Son, take me out for a walk, will you? I want to see if there're stars tonight.' I strained my ears as i struggled to make out his almost incoherent speech, fearing that he might overwork himself while trying to repeat what he said. Reluctantly, i took the wheelchair and brought him out to the sanctuary. He lifted his head anxiously, to find a dark sky spotted with many specks of shine and gliterry artpieces. For once in many years, i've never managed to see my father smile like he really meant it - often to comfort my worried sick,soul. My heart skipped a beat.

I knew why he requested for this walk in the park. I treaded the soft wet grass beneath me, slowly, as i reminisced the times i had spent with him when i was a little boy. I used to cry unconsolably at night when i couldnt get to sleep. My worn out father took me to the garden one night, cuddling me in his arms. The pain in his eyes were piercing, as the young, weary father did not know what to do. He pointed out the many spots of light in the pitch dark night sky and said 'Look baby, do you know what is that? It is a star!' He told me the star was so small but yet wasn't engulfed by the overwhelming darkness of the night sky. Thus, he wanted me to grow up as a strong little boy, just like the stars that appear at night. He taught me to be brave and bold like shining stars. I promised him and from then on that i'll be his little star and i never cried at night anymore.

Snapping out of my reverie, my father had passed out, unnoticed. A knife-piercing pain stabbed my heart as i jumped to my senses. I rushed him into the hospital and called for the doctor urgently.

' Your father didn't manage to pull throught this time. I'm sorry.'

I sat there blankly as i watched them wheel my beloved out of the operation theatre. The world around me died away. The tears that rushed to my eyes this time was incomparable to any other occasion that bore grief and sorrow. I cried like a baby...wailing shamelessly as if there was no one around me.

I knew my father thought that i had forgot about that very memorable incident. He must have been upset and disappointed. Most of all, hurt.

'I didn't forget it at all daddy.' But...

'Your little star is crying again.I'm sorry.'

Sometimes when we touch - Rod Stewart

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and
I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all it's strategy leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer, still trapped within my truths
A hesitant prize fighter still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and
I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you and drag you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly
At times I understand you and I know how hard you've tried
I've watch while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister, but then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much and
I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides

Just found out that my friend has a blog all along... ... AND I DIDN'T know about it 'cos he thought I knew. Haha...

Anyways, reading his blog somehow reminded me of my situation at home. You know the song, 'family protrait' sung by Pink? Yeah, it reminds me of the whole picture. Its a feeling people think they might be able to comprehend, but its far from that. Nevertheless, I'm very thankful for their efforts for trying to put themselves in my shoes and comprehend the unbearable mixture of feelings - disappointment,helplessness and of cos,hurt.

You feel that there is no place to run to, nowhere to hide, no shelter from the biting harsh winds of winter seasons which seems all year round. Seasons never changed...although you thought they would, as you have been taught when you were younger. You hoped to see the sunlight again. The longing for warm candescent sunrays, that you will rush to catch, even through premature. Your longing often grew stale, but you still cling onto the element of hope, and faith.

At the same time, you know it is not the place for you, not the most idealistic place that you'd want to be in. Thus, you are trying extremely hard, with all the remaining strength you've left, to pull yourself back together. And find a way out of this desert of ice and bitterness, of which laid nothing but death. Nothing is alive.

My situation might not be exactly the same, i do not know. As you refer yourself to Sam in the movie '1 litre of tears' , I would refer to myself as Jerry in the movie 'I not stupid 2'. I blogged about my feelings in my previous blog, and about how i felt about the whole semblance of my life to his role in that movie, here -dated Saturday,April 2006.

I'll be praying for you. Its hard to be happy, but i hope to see you smile :) Press on. You'll get by, someday, somehow. :) God is good,always. Remember that.


You either make me... ... or break me, baby...

Yimmie is just very very sad, right now. Didn't get fantastic grades but, i can barely scrape by i guess. Its better, compared to last year's.

I don't know why but i had the stupidity to find out what he's been up to. I guess i'm just very hurt and sad now. He's not open, that's ywhy i guess its been the same old questions every night...

have you taken dinner? How was it?
how was your day?
-silence-
why are you so quiet?
what the hell is your problem?

I don't know... Guess this is what he does everynight after telling me good night and that he's going to bed soon. It doesn't matter anyway. He's just eager to watch those porn flicks again. I just feel utterly helpless, not because he's watching porn, but because he hides so much from me. I feel really tired, exhausted and devastated.

I feel that i'm being really unfair to my heart, myself. Not giving it what it has always wanted, and sacrificing it just to make others happy. I'd be happy to see him happy too, but, is he? ...

The poor heart is crying out for what it wants, is it so much to ask for?
I just wanted a good and decent boyfriend. I guess i was deceived by the computer geek, you. I don't know how long more can this heart can hold. I'm afraid... i'm so afraid......

I feel so helpless, i guess i'll feel better after crying this out now. I guess i will... Perhaps, i shouldn't be so narrow-minded. Yimmie's crying for help. After looking through everything, I think i'm addicted to porn. Fuckk. I'm addicted to porn.

Stop these tears from falling
Stop this heart from bleeding anymore; please baby. I beg you
You don't know how much it hurts, do you?.

Different people have their own perspectives as to what an 'ideal' relationship would be like, to them. Or should i say, that they have different expectations of relationships they are in. Well, to me... i think it would be nice if:

- you come home everyday and there seem to be so much to talk about
- you're never tired of seeing each other
- you feel as free as a bird in terms of thoughts and speech
- you make the person, and God the centre of the relationship
- you cherish the other half, and being supportive in any aspect
- you make the other half know that he/she is important to you, no matter what you do..
- the love is strong that even other people around can feel it, even without having to saying it to them.
- both are transparent and open to/about anything.
- acceptance, time and understanding is top on the list -before one flares up.
- everything and anything is negotiable.

Wow, i AM a difficult girlfriend. Haha. I pity the person who'd be my other half. But, well, i'm gonna give up most of these expectations... cos i'm letting love override it. The feeling just sucks when you know you want so much for all these to happen, but the other half will feel very tied-up and suffocated, because he might not want it that way - to have his own space.

I struggle to give up my 'wants'... for you. Its okay, as long as you're happy.

I think there's some kinda obscure supernatural force that reads my blog. Either that, or my stomach can read!!! Was just blogging that i am under-fed, I had a terrible weekend due to an excruciating pain in my whole digestive system. It acts some now and then, and i can't even lie straight in pain. All i could do was curl up into a ball, in bed. Forget about the idea of walking. If i really have to, i walk like a grandmother, with a hunch, looking constipated. :S not exactly the nicest sight.

Doctor said it was an inflammed stomach that might lead to stomach ulcer. So, Yimmie's resting at home now. Meanwhile, i'm trying to finish my work from last week. My stomach feels sore, bloated and flaccid. :( sigh. It must have been the irregular meals and stress - from o's and... ...

My father just flew to Tibet today. Might be there for 3 months. I'm rather used to his trend of disappearing when we're having major exams...or final years. The prelims are a flop, i can foresee...

My curiosity is killing me inside...slowly.Take a gun and put it to my head,get it over with...