the people i miss:

Jaedon. the stupid mischevious charming boy whom i still love.


Mel-o! =D when are we doing our nails again? I miss you laaa :D


Joel aka chinaman yang! Bestest gay buddy =)


sean! the sunshine boyyy :p


Benjiy! we go a longggg wayy back (:


Swang! Melboune will cure the missing, i'm sure =)


Sara, my sleepover at unearthly hours buddy! =D


the camp people!

沉默玩具 - 曹格

變成了一個影, 隱藏了自己.
bian chen le yi ge ying, ying chang le zi ji
I've turned into a shadow to hide myself from you.
愛情困難呼吸, 我是沉默玩具.
ai qing kun nan hu xi, wo shi chen mo wan ju.
Love has become difficult to take in, and i've become just a sad toy.
執著對你無限情, 模糊我自己.
zhi zhu dui ni wu xian qing, mo hu wo zhi ji
I loved you so deeply, it blinded me.
不願升上白旗, 輸了你的遊戲.
bu yuan shen shang bai qi, shu le ni de you xi.
Although i've lost this game to you, i'm not giving up.
你和他, 對街擁抱, 我看到.
ni he ta, dui jie yong bao, wo kan dao.
I saw everything when you crossed the streets, running into his arms.


為什麼愛上你的人, 是我
wei shen me ai shang ni de ren, shi wo.
Why must I be the one who fell in love with you.
為什麼一廂情願的人, 會難過
wei shen me yi xiang qing yuan de ren, hui nan guo.
Why does disappointment always happen to the one sided wisher?
為什麼對你捨不得的, 總是我.
wei shen me dui ni she bu de de, zong shi wo.
Why am i the one feeling reluctant when it comes to leaving you?
愛上你, 需要那真情意
ai shang ni, xu yao na zhen qing yi
I know it takes all my feelings and sincerity, just to love you.
收在日記裡
show zai ri ji li
But its all kept in my diary.


寂寞天天不休息, 讓甜蜜全也忘記.
ji mo tian tian bu xiu xi, rang tian mi quan ye wang ji.
loneliness isn't giving a break, chasing away all the sweetness that's left
幸福不再美麗, 可是我會在意.
xing fu bu zai mei li, ke shi wo hui zai yi.
Although luck isn't looking good for me, I'm still counting on it.
執著對你無限情, 模糊我自己.
zhi zhu dui ni wu xian qing, mo hu wo zhi ji
I loved you so deeply, it blinded me.
不願上白旗, 輸了你的遊戲.
bu yuan shen shang bai qi, shu le ni de you xi.
Although i've lost this game to you, i'm not giving up.
你和他, 對街擁抱, 我看到.
I saw everything when you crossed the streets, running into his arms.


為什麼愛上你的人, 是我
wei shen meai shang ni de ren, shi wo.
Why must I be the one who fell in love with you.
為什麼一廂情願的人, 會難過
wei shen me yi xiang qing yuan de ren, hui nan guo.
Why does disappointment always happen to the one sided wisher?
為什麼對你捨不得的, 總是我.
wei shen me dui ni she bu de de, zong shi wo.
Why am i the one feeling reluctant when it comes to leaving you?
愛上你, 需要那真情意
ai shang ni, xu yao na zhen qing yi
I know it takes all my feelings and sincerity, just to love you.
收在日記裡
show zai ri ji li
But its all kept in my diary.


'sometimes we build walls around us not because we want to block outselves out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

like a wilting flower...

that conversation betweeen us that night, like daggers instead of darts used in a game or two, instantly ripping everything apart cruelly.

I'm sorry if i didn't appear this fragile to you. But i am.
'Forgive and forget' they always say. You're forgiven. And i hope I'll forget this emotionally brutal episode eventually. Its become my daily prayer, begging the Lord to help me win this battle inside me.

And now, the ringing of those words, still so extremely vivid in my cranium, sometimes i feeel i could hardly breathe - like an ugly monster robbing me of
the essence of my bare elements.

;its killing me softly inside. but i'm still smiling at you. don't worry.



ignorance to awareness is a one way street.
too late to detach
like old times.

God damn,
how the tables have turned.
and how very ironic that
self-control
should be my weakness.


the clutches
of dreaded love
on a gluttonous heart
too full, too fast
the opposite of broken.
saturated, and swelling
bittersweet rhythmic aching.

rapidly building pressure
in an already tight chest cavity.

feet firmly planted
on instability
(inconsistent priorities.)
ragged breath from constricted lungs
(fluctuating atmospheres.)
coughing the black tar
of poisonous passion

I wish there were platelets
to clot emotion.
not even rain can quench this wilted flower now.

最长的电影

我們的開始是很長的電影
Wo men de kai shi shi hen chang de dian ying
Our relationship is the longest movie

放映了三年
Fang ying le san nian
It has been showing for three years

我票都還留著
Wo piao dou hai liu zhe
I'm still keeping the ticket

冰上的芭蕾腦海中還在旋轉
Bing shang de ba lei nao hai zhong hai zai xuan zhuan
The ballet on ice is still revolving in my mind

望著你慢慢忘記你
Wang zhe ni man man wang ji ni
Looking at you, yet slowly forgetting you



## 朦朧的時間 我們溜了多遠
Meng long de shi jian Wo men liu le duo yuan
In the haze of time, How far we have skated

冰刀劃的圈　圈起了誰改變
Bing dao hua de quan Quan qi le shei gai bian
The circles made by the skates' blades, whoever's in it changes

如果再重來 會不會稍嫌狼狽
Ru guo zai chong lai Hui bu hui shao xian lang bei
If we could start all over again, will it be a tad too awkward

愛是不是不開口才珍貴 ##
Ai shi bu shi bu kai kou cai zhen gui
Is love more precious when it is kept in the heart?


再給我兩分鐘
zai gei wo liang fen zhong 　
Please give me two more minutes

讓我把記憶結成冰
Rang wo ba ji yi jie cheng bing
Let me freeze these memories forever

別融化了眼淚　
Bie rong hua le yan lei
Don't let your tears fall

你妝都花了
Ni zhuang dou hua le
Smudging your makeup

要我怎麼記得
Yao wo zen me ji de
How can I remember?

記得你叫我忘了吧
Ji de ni jiao wo wang le ba
I remember you told me to forget

記得你叫我忘了吧
Ji de ni jiao wo wang le ba
I remember you told me to forget

你說你會哭
Ni shuo ni hui ku
You said you would cry

不是因為在乎
Bu shi yin wei zai hu
But not because you care

Its been almost a year, and im on my way home now

I'm staring out into the night,trying to hide the pain.
I wish i could go to the place where love and feeling good, don't ever cost a thing.
Where the pain you feel is a different kind of pain,
Where your love has always seemed enough for me.
Those places and the faces are getting old,miles are getting longer,
the closeri get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But my love, remains true.
I don't know why, I always seem to give it another try.
And I'm running away from it.

Thinking back when we first met, I remember what you said - You said you'd never leave me.
I let go of your hand, Built my castle in the sand, But now I'm reachin' out again
And I'm not letting go.

Summers and winters have come and gone, millions of people have passed me by, but I still feel all alone, and I want to go home.
My words, cold and flat. I know you deserve more than that. I'm just too far from where you are - just let me go home.
I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life.
It’s like I just stepped outside,when everything was going right.
And I don't know just why you just could not come along with me.
This was not my dream, but you always believed in me.

Not letting go till you hold me in your arms again.
Sometimes I feel so alone that I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you shape me, make me,
Wash me whiter than the snow and, I gotta find my way back home.

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight


;during the stay, i realised I want to love you so much, but i don't know who you are. Like a silhouette behind the enormous white sheet draped across the ceiling. So tell me, should i stay or should i go. Till i'm home again, I belong to you.

Who are you? you keep me wondering, wondering about you.

Personalities and their complications.

The Portait of the Healer (INFP)

Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and investigative and attentive in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.

Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.



The most sensitive of the Idealists is the Healer (INFP). While their list of jobs may echo that of other Idealists, they are more drawn to express their own unique vision of the world that all other types, so their work cannot help but be unique. They interpret their visions in the world of music, art, entertainment, or dance. As a professor or teacher, counselor or social worker, they often unlock the mysteries of life for those they encounter. In business they are drawn to organizational development and human resources careers. They may have a religious calling or seek work as a librarian. Their careers need to be in alignment with their personal values. Says Kay, “I chose health education so I could touch the lives of others to help them make better choices about their lives. I know I’ve done some good.”


All Idealists seek to have a life of meaning, to help themselves and others grow to be the best that they can be. They do not want to be a copycat of someone else, but want to be seen as a unique and valuable individual.

going back to get away after everything has changed.

Hey you.

Its been a long time since we spoke, i know. I don't know how you feel about everything but I guess, its all for looking back's sake. If i ever felt that i need to apologise, I'd rather apologise to myself for screwing it all up. We're not talking about hate anymore - we never did.

We were only about the 'How are you's and the ' How is everything's and... All we thought were probably 'What are you thinking' and 'Why don't you tell me more'.
I didn't want to voice it out cos' I wanted to respect your privacy and i made that overrule my urge to show that little more concern that i needed to show. Perhaps thats how i am to you too. Shutting you off and all. Perhaps I really did.

we're not strangers, we're not friends.
we're not good friends, we're not best friends, we're not special friends.
we're not lovers, we're not together.
so the thing is, what are we?

Funny that I'm still addressing 'us' as 'us' when we're living seperate lives. Perhaps its naive for me not to realise you've moved on without a tinge of reminisence. Whereas here i am, stuck in my own reverie. Silly, you must be thinking - i always was, to you.

<so that was where we stopped. there's no moving on. not now, not ever. I promise i'll revisit that place once in a while, enough to feed that portion of happy memories. Like the absurdly queer name i gave you - cowbit, at bunny park the other day. Seems like it was just the other day. but i never saw today. and never saw it that way. >

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

insomnia overdose

In my life. there will be three days that marks my exsistence in this world -

1) the day i was born
2) the day i get married to the one i love wholeheartedly
3) the day i know why am i here

It is my daily prayer that 3 happens before 2. Its 0334 and I'm forty winks, consumed by the absence of light as i lay upright in bed - motionless. Contrary to that, my mind is spinning in circles relentlessly. I'm dying to read finsh the book i just picked up from Borders earlier this day. The Passion Test by Janet Bray & Chris Attwood.


Who AM i?

Till the day I find an answer, I remain the blind bat, flying around in circles at night aimlessly. A listless wanderer down the streets of London, her face blank as a sheet of paper.

Today...

today, i dont know myself anymore.
today, i have lost all of my senses.
today, i realised i dont know who i am anymore.
today, i realised perhaps, i have changed.
today, i shy back into my shell and hide from who i am
today, i realised my soul is pulverized. like a disintegrated piece of old metal.
corroded and ugly.

I think i have turned into a horrendous beast.
I think i am lost. Lost in a crazy world.
I think i am crazy, not the world.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore.
I don't know who's real and who's not. I never knew.

I'd like to take shelter in my very own world, like a battlefield.
I'd like to take myself to another world.
I'd like to be in the world of that other person's eyes i look into.
I'd like to stop hating myself.
I'd like to stop hurting.
I'd like to stop deceiving myself.
I'd like to know something real. just something. Anything

God, i think i should stop leaving you text messages and talk to you instead.