Hmm, sister came home. Found out that she was almost brought back to the Police station. She missed her entire school day, staying in the pricipal's office being interrogated about underaged smoking, together with two other of her pals. Sheesh...

I recalled back to the times during the start of my Secondary two year. Although I was in a school which environment was more prone to start smoking, than hers, I can never imagine being in her shoes. (To have that courage, that is) *Phew*

As i shed a little cold sweat for her, I am also wondering how she's gonna survive in the harsher treatments in the following years to come. Both from the school as well as my parents, although my parents don't seem to be doing much other thatn just asking her to stop smoking. I don't know. Sigh...

What should I do?

I've found my place in heaven, by your side

The mother is back. This is when all hell breaks loose again.

If only my pay could come in just a little faster, then i could fly a little further.

Life's currently in a transistory stage. Those points whereby you feel you've gotta lost identity, not knowing who you are, where to go, what to do and how to go on. So what's the best solution? Stay...and not budge. But I realised, i can never grow, then. Man,this sucks. This empty feeling - a void that i can see, will be consumed by smoking, drinking and clubbing. Indulgence into the decading phase of today's society. Drats. This is the worst part of it all - to know exactly what harm you're doing to yourself, and continue that way. I'm no longer in control, i feel.

I shall bake cookies now :p

Many times, I've found myself scanning through my own blog and not know how to continue writing the next post...'cos i really don't know how i'm feeling anymore. I guess i have gotten too used to numbing myself - my true emotions. I thought i could run away...... run and run...and never stop. Exhaustion sets in. I stopped, and thought between the heavy panting, that I'd better face it. I can't carry on this way. Face the hurt, deal with it... The rainy season isn't helping much by dampening my mood further.

I'm at a total lost, to be frank. Sigh...

The suppression of feelings inside has caused the confusion between my true feelings and the fact that I do not feel anything anymore.

This really sucks...


Good luck for your finals my dear. You have all my bestest wishes!

Yes, my disappearance due to yet another camp. The camp was held at Ubin Adventiure centre this time. Damn, it sure was exhausting i tell you. I had to handle 40 primary 5 kids for the 3 day 2 nights, including an autistic girl who'd wander off on her own without telling me. Sheesh... And while the weather was 34 deg in singapore, it was 38 freakin degrees there. And that particular day was fully packed wiht the main activities which were the High ropes course, water rafting and beach games... That explains my horrendously overdone tann, plus a forboding feeling that my skin's gonna peel cos its rather itchy...

Irritating.

Anyways, I have a 3 days, day camp tomorrow back at Cdans. Whee~ I hope the sun have a tad bit of mercy on me.

How i love doing camps. I really need to improve on inducing enthusiasm and pumping in energy into my kids' spirits. I want them to have so much fun. :) Haha...

I watched 2 movies this week! WHAHA...thats quite an a record, for one who's not a fan of the movies. :) I never even fancied LOTR, not until i really watched one of the scenes... :P

Alright, I'll stop here.

Baby, you know i miss you so much. But you need to study, and I'm gonna give you the peace of mind to focus on your studies. I'll be here when you need me. Anytime.

Just came back from yet another camp on friday. The damned weather definitely wasn't on my side. I ended up splashing around in mud and frightened bullfrogs hopping away from my path for consecutive 2 days. The 16/17 year olds didn't complain much although all their bags were soaked and couldn't sleep in their tents. The guys had to cramp in the basketball court. about 160 guys sleeping in the basketball court. Imagine that. Personally, it looked like a refugee camp to me. Seriously.

I was drenched on the second day of camp from 12 noon onwards, while i was in town carrying out the amazing race. I was dripping wet from head to toe, together with the rest of the group, including the kids' teacher!!! Haa... Pretty amazing. Very sporting, indeed.

This camp was practically about rain and freezing in the rain, being soaked to the skin and dripping wet from the pants even after seeking shelter for an hour. Even then, my legs were chilled to numbness till i had difficulty walking. So, i was drenched from 12 noon till 2am on thursday. Friday, it rained...again. The students escaped their area cleaning, which meant that the instructors had to do it. Bleagh... sucks big time.

Recently, I had a chat over drinks (Ice Mountain) with my one of my friend who headed out to get fags late in the night, since i wasn't asleep yet. We chatted till 4 plus am in the morning about life, being a teenager, families... relationships...etc. Only then, i realised my relationships were never about anything else but love.

It was always about the love, more than anything else...

WAH, two words -DARN SHAGGED.

Just came back from my first camp in 2007 from 4th - 6th. I am too lazy to fill in the details. Thank God my group was not too huge to handle. >_<

I shall filll you in with details of the camp some other time. Im just too tired to type now. Basically, it was an adventure camp, out in the jungle. Mud, snakes, frogs hopping everywhere at night, funny looking bugs, and what not-s. Got caught in the downpour in the jungle while running to seek shelter. Guess that explains my leaky nose now. *sniffs*

Seriously speaking, the pay is really lousy but... ... its the satisfaction that you get when the kids do not bear to leave til the teachers have to chase them out...etc. :)

Can't believe i almost cried! Oh well, i miss them. Guess at that point i was thinking 'Man, im gonna miss them...'. Okay....whatever. I have another camp in 4 days time. I'd run out of tears if this keep happening for every camp! :)

Taa people! NIGHTS. Yimmie's tired.

I haven't been sleeping enough for the past week. The turmoil in my family has never been worse... As much as I try to to accomodate everything, I'm just human afterall... Guess its another sleepless night.

The day had been extremely hectic. Rising at 0730, I made my way down to Changi Coast Sailing Club to fix tents for the company. After which, we went down to the adventure center at Cedans at 6pm, for my camp trainer briefing from thursday to saturday. My whole day, gone, just like that.

After dinner, i wasted two hours - somehow. I'll tell you why later.

My mother left home after a family meeting, whereby everyone spoke of their grudges transparently. Somehow, most of the family members directed their unhappiness towards my mother. The objective of the meeting, (according to uncle victor who was speaking for my mother the whole time) was, for my mom to change her 'methods' of educating is, the children. These are some issues that were covered:

- I stated that the meeting was a total waste of time when the subject, is not even sincere thus needs someone to speak on her behalf and just sits there insouciantly. And only after i said she isn't even sincere about changing, she managed to blurt a 'NO!!!' ...thats it. : alright then.

- My brother scored 97/100 for his exam in primary school, which made him second in a GEP class. My mother stripped him in the living room and caned him furiously till he had cane marks all over. After the caning, he was left in the living room, totally nude. Her reason was, he could have done better.

- All three of her kids feel betrayed and cheated by their own mother when they start to mature and develop their own mindset. Which is when they realise: 'dad isn't as bad as what mummy portrayed him to be' But was too late because, they had never spoke to their dad much due to work, school and an utterly bad image/impression of their own father.

- She told me that my dad was going to beat me up one night, because i didn't go home. I entered the rooom and was brutally beaten by my mom first, then my dad. My brother rushed home. While my dad was beating me up, my mother saw my brother returning home, fled to the room door and locked it so that my father could continue to beat me up. My brother threatened to break open the door if they wouldn't open it. My brother took me into his room. As a result, the back of my ear was caked with dried blood, A huge bruise that stretched along the entire side of my left thigh caused by a thick wooden rod, swollen mouth due to the multiple cuts due to incessant slapping, mild concussion due to the knockings on my head with the fist, swollen red welts on both my arms and most of all, fear as I had to keep my hands behind my back and couln't use them to defend myself. I was also threatened that if my hands ever leave my back, a huge blow would go straight to my stomach. Went to the clinic, doctor couldn't do anything but jab a painkilling injection and edvised me to go to tan tock seng. The doctor who examined me at tan tock seng almost made the police report himself, and was very adamant about it. He insisted that i Had to make the report, and it couldn't go on. : My mother somehow talked my father into doing it. Maybe he was drunk.

- Never once in my entire life has my OWN mother asked me if i had enough, to eat and stuff. On the other hand, its the people outside who really care, who constantly ask me and worry for me. She can spend 15000 bucks just to get a nice car number plates and BEAR to give her growing daughter, me, 20 bucks a week. (details in one of the previous posts)

- Eavesdropped on my sister's conversation about her bf, and comes to me all of a sudden and screw me upside down about me having a bf and influencing my sister. Makes sure that my sister doesn't hear her scolding me, for she knew my sister would dislike her if she know my mom was blaming me about stuff she does (details also in a recent blog post)

- Mocks at me when i stay at home, asking me: 'why never go out? no money right?' As if she was damn happy about it.

- Bought me a pendant for my birthday this year, and kept it, and i never saw it again, til my brother's 21st birthday dinner. (She was wearing it, and didnt even ask me) What for, then?

- Came home later one night to study for my A maths prelims as i went out to study with Swang at macs. I went to my room and studied straight away. She came in and asked me, 'you come home for what? You interested in studying meh?' grabbed my book and flung it across my room. I got off my chair and walked over to pick up my book and continued reading. She rattled on... and threw my book. I grabbed my book back and tore the pages accidentally. I didn't speak a single word. With my tattered book in one hand, i headed downstairs to study, hoping she wouldnt continue rattling. However, she came in and flung my book again. I stood up and flipped the table over, stormed off and slammed my room door behind me. She called the COPS(999) immediately and told them: 'my daughter is trying to be funny'. A little comic relief for you guys... :)

- I couldn't help her shift the boxes one day as i had other plans made for the day. Thus, she chased me out of the house. I hid beside the drain canal and waited till she left and i went home. She stormed in shortly and insisted that i get out, practically yelling at me at the house gate. I hid at the drain once again, and she came, telling me to go further away... My faithdul little dog, followed.

- I told the doctor at the hospital that my suicide attempt was due to m mother. She denied profusely and tried to make them believe that it was relationship issues. I dont even think she wanted any family members to know or she would seem as a failure to others, that her own daughter would want to commit suicide because of her. She didn't feel a thing at all, and pushed the blame to my bf.

Oops, it a little long, but, i'll ill in more the next time i blog...
I just can't accept and understand why....