Ahh, i should call this....the birthday weekend! :)

More prom pics, should i put up? Hmmm... lol

And i miss you so...

I'll be here for you, whatever it takes...Its a promise.

Updates on prom night. Cessperade 2006! :)

I so sleep deprived now. HAA.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! I'M 17! :)

Went shopping with Pris for her prom dress in a leather coat!!! And was wearing Swang's shades in the second :) Imagine the audacity. Haah...

Ahh, ever since the O's ended, I've been neglecting my blog. :) I would say, I've never felt this happy, this free, before.

"Back At One"

It's undeniable... that we should be together...
It's unbelievable how I used to say that I'd fall never
The basis you need to know, if you don't know just how I feel,
Then let me show you now that I'm for real...
If all things in time, time will reveal...
Yeah...

One... you're like a dream come true...
Two... just wanna be with you...
Three... girl it's plain to see... that your the only one for me...
Four... repeat steps one through three...
Five... make you fall in love with me...
If ever I believe my work is done... then I start Back at One

So Incredible... the way things work themselves out...
And all emotional, once you know what it's all about babe...
And undesirable... for us to be apart...
Never would of made it very far...
Cause you know that you got the keys to my heart

Cause...One... you're like a dream come true
Two... just wanna be with you
Three... girl it's plain to see... that your the only one for me
Four.. .repeat steps one through three
Five... make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done... then
I start Back at One......

Say farewell to the dark night... I see the coming of the sun...
I feel like a little child... whose life has just begun...
You came and breathed new life
Into this lonely heart of mine...You threw out the life line... just in the
Nick of Time.....

One... you're like a dream come true
Two... just wanna be with you
Three... girl it's plain to see... that your the only one for me... girl and...
Four... repeat steps one through three
Five... make you fall in love with me
If ever I believe my work is done... then
I start Back at One.

Can't believe this is happening to me...

I'm a happy happy girl :) cos YOU make me happy :)

Yimmie on cloud 9, for once. :D

Science paper 1 is a confirmed A1!!! :P hope when its combined with the rest of the science papers, it'll remain an A1. Haa!

One boy, one girl...

He finally gave in to his friend's girlfriend when she said
"There's someone you should meet."
At a crowded restaurant way 'cross town,he waited impatiently.

She walked in, their eyes met, and they both stared.
And right there and then, everyone else disappeared,

But one boy, and one girl,
two hearts beating wildly.
To put it mildly, it was love at first sight.
He smiled, she smiled, and they knew right away
that this was the day they'd waited for all their lives.

And for a moment the whole world
revolved around one boy and one girl.
In no time at all they were standing there,
in the front of a little church,among their friends and family,
repeating those sacred words.Preacher said,
"Son kiss your bride" and he raised her veil.
And like the night they met, time just stood still

For one boy, and one girl,
two hearts beating wildly.
To put it mildly, it was love at first sight.
He smiled, and she smiled, and they knew right away
that this was the day they'd waited for all their lives.

For a moment the whole world
revoloved around one boy and one girl.
He was holding her hand when the doctor looked up and grinned
"Congratulations. Twins..."

One boy, one girl.
Two hearts beting wildly.
To put it mildly it was love at first sight.
He smiled, and she smiled,and they knew right away
that this was the day they'd waited for all their lives.
For a moment the whole world
revoloved around one boy and one girl.

The exams are considered over. However, life seems more empty than usual. I've lost the interest to go out and hang out with my friends. I feel that any social contact would not do any good to me. I prefer to coop myself up at home, in bed, or on the couch ... and bum around at home. This sucks.

When I should be home, studying for the major exams, I'm nowhere to be found. And after the major exams, call my home number to find that I'm the one answering the phone. How disturbingly ironic. I find myself irritably wierd. And I'm not too happy about it.

It was the last day of exams for most of my friends. (mine ended one day earlier). 7 people offered their company in conjunction to my post exam celebration. I only went out with 2 out of the 7. And today, I'm on my own, and its the WEEKEND! Unbelievable shit. Maybe I'm procrastinating the social activities awaiting me.

Well, meanwhile, its prom week for Yimmie! Went for facial today. Painful, but hope it did some good to my ugly face. And to Cowbit, cheer UP! k? :) I'll feel even worse if you feel bad. I'm terribly sorry...


experiencing the whole process of falling in love,again...?
mixed emotions...

The dreaded O LEVELS are finally coming to an end! Can't believe I'm living this day. :p

Hmmm, what if i said i tried smoking? :)

Tears fill up my eyes.
I'm washed away with sorrow.
And somewhere in my mind,
I know there's no tomorrow.

I see that you're leaving soon
I guess you've had your fill
But if I can't change your mind,
then no one will.

And all throughout all the years,
I've never strayed from you my dear.
You suspect I'm somewhere else.
You're feeling sorry for yourself.

Leaving with a broken heart,
I love you even still.
But if I can't change your mind, then no one will.
If I can't change your mind...

Even though my heart keeps breaking,
Don't you know that I'll be waiting here for you.
I hope you see I'm dedicated.
Look how long that I have waited.
If you come back you will find a different person.
If you change your mind.

How can I explain away somethin' I haven't done.
And if you cant trust in me now, you'll never trust in anyone.
With all the crazy doubts you've got.
I love you even still.
But if I can't change your mind, then no one will.
If I can't change your mind
If I can't change your mind
Wish I could change your mind...

Am I wrong... to feel this way? Perhaps, its just tears and rain...
Hold my heart, and see that it bleeds...


How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away;
find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say,
but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words:
it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away;
find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape,
like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say,
but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away;
find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same:
it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words:
it's just tears and rain.


On a brighter note, Happy birthday, A.K! :)

Was just blog-hopping till the wee hours last night...went to a few random people's blogs ( i knew them a long time back). Seems everyone's like....getting married. Basically, being happy with their love lives. Somehow, i just dont know why, mine sounds so pathetic. I don't want to go into details and compare. But everyone....really...everyone...

Now i hate blog-hopping. I hate reading about sweet stuff people do for each other. I hate to admit I'm just being covetous, emulous. And i have to face it. Sheesh. I'm depressed... Arrgh

i would really like it to be you...but, i don't know;

Dreams.

The walls of the hospital were always white. They smelt of disinfectant, a sharp scent that stung the nostrils if you breathed too deeply. He saw old people in wheelchairs, and transparent masks over their faces, and wondered whether they breathed the same kind of air that he did. He spent a long time wondering about such things. There was little else to do.

Other boys in the ward had toys. There were flowers by the side of their bed to take away the scent of starch and sanitized linen that permeated the air. He supposed that he ought to envy them, or wish that he had what they did. but there was not enough time in this life to envy. They would not take the flowers with them when they died.

His mother cried every time she came to see him, holding his hand between her rough work-calloused ones and spilling her tears on his thin wasted fingers. There were nurses who came to smile at him. He always tried to smile back, though sometimes it hurt. Would they still smile at him if he were not lying in a bed, waiting to die? Would they care so much about him if he could laugh, and walk on his own, and run on two sturdy legs? They frowned at boys who did those things in the sober hospital corridors.

He followed the path of the whirling fan blades with his eyes, they went round and round like his thoughts, circling about one theme and never going any further - dreams. He had been told very gently, that he was going to die, and he believed it. There was a pain in his legs, all the way up to the hip, a black pain that reached up into his life with a clawed hand and slowly strangled it. His mother did not want him to die, because she loved him. But it would not hurt anymore if he died, and surely if she loved him then she would not mind if the pain stopped.

Everyone had to die. He knew that, in the way you knew about dreams. Dying ought to be treated as something happy, something wonderful, so that the living could let the dying go. That way, his mother could let him go, and it would hurt both of them less. I love you, she kept on saying it, the most powerful words she ever knew. I love you.

He wondered if his making her cry counted when he died. He wondered if he would go to heaven or hell. He had surely failed in a great number of things. He was the oldest son in the family. He ought to be trying to help her. He was supposed to take the place of his father. He was supposed to be strong. Now He could not even stand by himself, not without crying out in pain. Perhaps weakness was a sin, too. Sometimes in the night, he would cry, because it hurt so much, and that was weakness, as well, because boys were not supposed to cry.

He could see the fear in her eyes, and he knew that she was afraid that he would die when she was not there, and there would be no one to comfort him. She thought he would fear dying. But he saw it as a relief, because then it would not hurt anymore.

He would like, very much, to see his little sister grow up, with her big eyes and unquestioning trust and ways of bursting into tears for no conceivable reason. He had never seen why she should like to cry so much until leukaemia started to eat at his bones, and then he had cried more than she did.

The afternoon clouded over, and a light rain began to fall, a patter of droplets on the roof like the feet of fairies dancing. The world turned grey as if God was crying, but he did not know whom for. There were very many hospitals and very many children in the hospitals all around the world. There were not enough tears to go around.

Perhaps it was selfish to think that way - to divide up love that was divine and boundless, or measure sorrow by the number of tears falling. The drugs injected in his arms made his thoughts wander and all his fears seemed distant. He laid limp in a dreamy state and quietly tell himself that he was lucky, because he no longer desired to have the flowers that other boys had, or envied that other children could play in the rain. Dreams were something reserved for the living because such things no longer mattered to those who were going to die.

He gazed at the rain, and listened to the music of the raindrops falling, each one making a different sound on the roof, a tonal melody. The raindrops were dying too - outside the window where a boy with leukaemia lay thinking of death.

They fell, one by one, each one unique and yet very alike, fountaining as they cascaded into puddles. Each drop glittered as though there was a piece of sunlight at its heart, ephemeral as a moment of time going past, each slice of time beautiful because it had not ever existed before, and would never exist again; and they were doubly precious to him, because he had so few left.

The world held both in light and darkness, and would not be complete without either. He laughed, his eyes bright in seeing the beauty of this mingling; laughed for heart's ease and joy, as he smiled at the falling rain.

A nurse walked by and heard his laugh. She stopped, looking at him wondering what a dying boy had left to smile on a rainy afternoon. He tilted his head and looked at her, and for an instant she saw the light of the veiled sun come to life again in his eyes, a soft warmth to his smile all the more plangent and beautiful because she knew that by next week she would not see it again. For a moment, she had to blink tears back, and wonder at the unfairness of it all; such a small boy, with such a sweet smile, and the chance of a life, should be destined to die.

She smiled back at him, a weak smile wavering over the edge into tears, and quickly walked past, not wanting him to see her cry.

He laid back in his pillow, listening to the rain fall. He wanted to call after her. Call her back and tell her about his dreams. But perhaps, it would not matter to her at all, yet the prospect of it all did not seem very bad. How beautiful rain is, because the sun is going to come out, he told himself.

He closed his eyes. The sound of his breathing subsided together with the rain. Lethargy took over and he fell into a deep slumber, never to wake again. The rain cleared and light came through the window again. It fell upon his face, a strange halo.

He had relinquished the many dreams he had... in place of one - to eradicate the excruciating pain.

'Anyway, dreams were only reserved for the living.' he thought.

5th day not being able to... ...

Arrgh. Only Ducolax helps now. And its not 100% effective either. I have to spend half an hour on the damn toilet bowl. (o_o)

Chem paper was so easy today! Hmm, not sure how a few quesitons should be answered but should be correct :D

Couldnt believe how easy were the choosing questions. 7 freakin marks for identifying the type of bond in carbon dioxide and drawing its electronic structure out!!! HAHA!

Its english and physics tmr. Every doc says im suffering from stress. But, haha, those who know me well enough, knows i'm seriously NOT! WHAT THE HELL is wrong man. Sigh...

Day four, still no sign of any improvement. Not even the slightest!!! :( HOW??? SHEESH.

Should i just shaff Ducolax up my ass?

My blog...its so obscene!!! I'm sorry guys. I'll try my best not to make it sound that way. Urgh!!! Irritating!!! I feel so bloated once again...not to mention.,.. F-A-T. Sigh...

P.S day 1 of o levels writeen exams. EMATHS WERE CHEEKEN! Spotted Social studies' Education and healthcare services+education in switzerland+Britains' welfare state!!! Whee~!
Chem's tomorrow. :)

Admission into A&E and back. Doc said there were like 1 weeks worth of faeces in me!!! OMG. So... ... he pump soap water up my ass... and told me to hold it there for about 1-2 mins and told me to go to the toilet. Urgh....

Given Ducolax to shaff up my ass when ever i'm constipated again.

I hate this.

And now, i feel super bloated... :-
This is damn sad.

Bad news...
I haven't been excreting any human waste for three days. And the worse part is that I don't feel A THING. My GCE O levels are tomorrow!!!

I'm worried sick...

I just took laxatives. I wanna puke... ... Urgh, how am i supposed to study in this state? Fuck.

Save the last dance for me. When the music fades,i will give you my last bullet. Then, mark my very first and last serenade...

One boy, one girl, two hearts, their world
Time goes by, secrets rise
One more, sad song, tears shed, she's gone
She'd take it back, if she only could

All the perfect words they seem so wrong,
She's gone
You wish that you could learn to see,
The door is closed and you wish you could be
Alone with you, alone with me

What can I do, I cannot breathe
My heart is torn, for all to see
Alone with you, alone with me.

Last date. she cries, whispers, goodbye
She walks once more, out that door
Please stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
Stay, don't go away
The hardest thing is letting go of you
what can I do?

Alone with you, alone with me,
what can I do?
alone with, alone with...

Emotions they stir
The sun is gone.
The nights are long
And I am left while the tears fall.

Did you think that I would cry,
on the phone?
Do you know what it feels like?
I'll find someone new

Swinging from the tangles,
My heart is crushed.
Can you help me find a way
To carry on again.

Wish cast into the sky
I'm moving on
Sweet beginnings do arise
I was wrong
The notes are old,
They bend, they fold
and so do I to a new love.
Bury me
you thought your problems were gone
Carry me... away.

She's gone away, but still they stay together
People call me crazy, crazy
My thoughts progress, I think about forever
My mind tells me maybe, maybe

I wish I could drive away to the sunset
Back to the day that we first met
Only believe the things I wrote
I'll put it in a note, yeah
Cross my t's and dot my i's
Better say hello, don't you dare say goodbye
I'll write sincerely yours and sign my name
P.S. I love you forever and today

Two weeks go by, seems like it's been the weather
The rain falls down she's crying, crying
My thoughts progress, she thinks about forever
Their hearts are bound lying, lying

All the heartache all the pain
All the words you said in vain
And I'll never be the same



;I won't be coming over today baby.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees as she rested her head on the knee-caps. Under the dim orange hue of the night lamp, her shadows outlined a mere grey sketch on the wall. Her shoulder length hair fell beside her face hiding a portion of her side profile as she sighed with a blatant tone of despair. The disconcerted silence kept her train of thoughts running...spinning....Tirelessly. The replusive images of atrocities flickered one after another, not any different compared to an incessant haunting. Repugnance, was all she felt.

The roller-coaster ride she mentioned earlier on seemed as if it had only barely begun. Can she withold, any longer?

He promsied her not many things. But they were sacrifices that she'd treasure so much, that meant alot to her. Promises that would show how much she meant, how much he would do for his love for her. Not that much, she guessed. The point when he pleaded that he would prove to her and not delete the evidences and history log in his computer. She was delirious. Ecstatically jubilant. Pleasantly apalled. Extremely pleasantly, indeed. Thus, the silly little girl trusted, with all her heart. Or rather, all that's left of her.

He promised not to fulminase at her. She felt so extremely loved, as if she was the light of his life. Perhaps she was afterall, she thought. 'Its alright,baby. Don't be sorry.' Was her reply to him when she was still nursing the hurt, yet again. But, he blew the fuse the very next day. She forgave him, anyway, returning home a tattered, bitter soul. And her face showed nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The promises that meant so much to her... She thought she was never wrong when she told him in the eyes: 'I have and will never regret being with you baby. You're wonderful...you really are.' She thought... she was never wrong. She doesn't know how to feel anymore. Maybe he forgot. Maybe he didn't mean it. Perhaps I was so fucking silly as to take his words so seriously. How should she feel? She don't know.

Perhaps he would only understand when she becomes a replica of him, living in his shadows.
Maybe only when addiction sets in and she starts watching those familiar figures almost every other night when she's not with him, or when her comp gets so used to downloading them in the particular folder, start smoking her life away, gets provoked at the slightest work of Murphy's Law...

Perhaps only then he would feel how she felt.
Or maybe, he would never feel it, even if she sacrificed that much - deteriorate to become exactly of what he is.

Desolately pulverized, might be the term that's left for me.
So much for trusting with all my heart and soul. Can anyone tell me its worth it? Can you, baby?


Baby, can you teach me how to feel? I'm sorry, I think i've lost that sense already.