Hello, looking at this teddy bear, it reminds me of MYSELF! I'm not that cute though - how unfortunate. :(

Was just spending some quiet time after bath, thinking in the calm serenity of temporary self-isolation. See, this little bear has been hurt and wounded. It has tried to patch up the sustained wounds on its own, painstakingly. However hard it tried, the mends seemed utterly inadequate. Little teddy bear carries a sack on its shoulders. A bag of the past. All the hurts, all the pain, all bagged into one. A heavy burden... Not forgetting little brown bear's belongings in that same rucksack. Somehow, little bear is rather convinced that it is intrinsically nomadic. Nobody's bear. Don't scold little teddy bear for all these hurts on her. She never wanted to be messed up. Little teddy bear couldn't handle the complications and needs that surfaced in her life, prematurely. She is emotionally and mentally unprepared. Just like any other little teddy bear. Don't be angry with her.

If you ever see little teddy bear, please tell her you love her and God loves her even more. Give her a pat of encouragement on her back, it'll mean alot to her as the road down that path doesn't seem any easier.

Met Yvonne today. Her first reaction was
"You look like a zombie! All i can see in your eyes are two words - SICK AND TIRED."
I smiled weakly and remained quiet. Our conversation continued as i tried to hold my tears back occasionally. She told me that she'll not talk about the issues anymore as i'm easily affected by it. Session lasted about 45 mins and we decided to call it a day. But she said my emotional situation was bad so she'll be seeing me on Monday again. Something's wrong with me? Maybe I've been trying too hard to numb myself, in order to concentrate better on my studies.

She told me not to be too hard on myself for O's cos, its perfectly understandable if i don't do as well as i've expected. Yimmie's underachieving... Sometimes, i wished i didn't put so much of myself into this relationship. If only i knew he was on the rebound. Then again, the blind 'me' didn't take that into consideration. Nevermind, little teddy pushes on... ... she still believes in love, and him, even more.

Little teddy bear...all on its own. Nobody knows her,just Yvonne.


Emotional fluctuation.Taken on a fatal roller coaster ride. Down to hell and back again.

Its a surprise i missed out one day of blogging (yesterday) although i've been turning in at ungodly hours... I've been losing sleep. Somehow i just don't know why. Do I? Hmmm...

Now, i'm disgusted - EYEBAGS. Meanwhile, i'm awaiting my success in switching of subject papers in the upcoming 'O' levels. I'm dropping from pure sciences to combined sciences. Then, i'll have a better chance of scoring a distinction for sciences, as well as Add math due to the extra time i'll be entitled to. :)

Sigh, my mom's being anal as usual. And i just don't understand why she's always under-feeding me. And complains I'm so skinny and malnutritioned. Giving a TEEN S$20 bucks a week is meagre. So intensely pathetic, taking into consideration the high affluence of society in present day's context. So much for being a DEVOTED christian. Haven't all the daily video sermons sunk into that peabrain of hers?If she really believes in God, and think that she shouldn't give me money so that i'll stick to her ass everyday and be a good girl... She's a faker. If she really believes in God, then she'd leave it ALL up to God to change me, and trust in Him fully. AND GIVE ME A DECENT AMOUNT OF MONEY.

Guess people will be questioning my status... if they knew how much i'm getting ( i don't even dare to reveal how much i'm getting,weekly). And mind you... They are always LATE in giving me money. So freaking reluctant.

So with the mere $20, Yimmie has to include 3 BUS RIDES A DAY (i'm not on concession cos i lost my ez-link) , breakfast and lunch (usually in school or out occasionally) and... hanging out peroiodically AND trying to save for things that i want. Most of my frens who come from middle-income families are getting between $50-70, NOT including transport. Look at the stark difference. My ego shied away when I found out how deplorable my allowance is, knowing that i come from a rather well-to-do family.

Somehow, I'm not really indignant about this. I'm more lacerated than anything else. They're more willing to spend a sum of $15K just on NICE car number plates..just for show. That'll be... 750 weeks of pocket money.Which is 14 yrs plus of pocket money. Sigh, i just can't help but i am fighting the tears back... Sigh... It feels so dreadfully execrable. I am their daughter. Daughter vs Nice car number plates. Daughter loses the game.

I don't need this extraneous addition to my phalanx of harrowing emotional impairments.



Please help me tell God i left Him a text message...

I smsed him as usual, after work. No reply. Called, and there was no answer. Twice, and that's it. I gave up. The more i call, the more irritated he'll feel. I guess i have to learn to live, trusting blindly. Such a fool, i am. I'm struggling not to let anything psycho me. After all, it should be another of my possessive-natured misunderstandings again.

Is this what you call, 'loving AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE' ? I guess i could still afford to do that. I can.

I know what i've done wrong. There was almost the second time, but i didn't let it happen. I almost did, but i thought of it, how you'd feel.... i'd give that up. And i gave it up. Happily, willingly. Guess he's found someone better. I don't do too well at being a gf i guess. Perhaps, this is another experience...and we get better at it, learning from experiences....the past. Experiences meaning, its behind me already. I just don't want it to be a past...a by-gone. I want it to last. Is it so difficult?
Yea, its difficult to love someone who's ugly. I know.

I 'm superficial too. I understand. Its okay.

I 've got nothing left to say.You took everythingl away...I hate myself.

Fuckk...

It was a total fiasco trying to get up this morning...but it was worth it. I was talking to Benjiy till 2am last night. He called me and so we talked a while about whatever happened after he left for Aussie - he's in Singapore till 4th Oct!!! Its good to hear that he's doing pretty well. I'm happy for him. :) I promise we'll hang out before you return to Australia :) Haha.

Gonna have a long day ahead. Guess i'll be reaching home late today, cos by the time i catch the buses, and plus the time spent walking home...I might only reach home at...6pm? Urgh, i hate this feeling of having to stay out for long hours...and taking the bus alone. I'm seeing Yvonne today. Haven't seen her for about 2-3 weeks.

Every morning, the intoxication of ecstacy subsides slowly, as i wake to the empty, vacant home that my heart resides in. I used to look forward to every single morning, rain or shine... Now, a new day is just the repetition of a humdrum,monotonous cycle of antagonising torture.

My mother is oblivious to the fact that her daughter is tiding through an emotionally difficult phase... Her rantings and ravings have increased in the past few days due to the anxiety about my sister's exams. Thus, channelled to me as well. She thinks everything is fine therefore a little addition to my frustration won't kill. They think I'm happily overwhelmed by love.
Ostracized... by my parents? Did i use the word in the right context?

(eunice was here! O.o )

Whatever happened... ... i'm not too sure.Maybe you'd like to tell me.

Its 0017. I have to rise at 6am tomorrow, as usual. Somehow, he must be up thinking I'm in bed already and here i am, still awake, also wondering what he's doing. Great, we both must be wondering what each other's doing when both of us said we're going to bed... I just can't seem to get to bed although I'm so worn out. I 'm starting to suspect its mental exhaustion rather than physical. To make matters worse, I think its both.

Yimmie's eyelids weigh like two gargantuan elephants now.
I think i can sleep already, with this heavy heart...

Good night baby...sigh;

Just did the changes to this blog and added the essentials like Profiles, links and personal stuff that you see here. *stretches*

I don't know where to go from here. Maybe I'll just concentrate on my studies. I'll try, i promise. Like my blog, its an empty apartment. People are still there, but the heart is gone...nowhere to be seen. My life is somehow, like a movie, most people say. But i find that its on a repeat mode now. I'm very exhausted.

He's not online anymore, and not a word from him. Guess he's busy on a monday, back from the weekend break. I think i'm silly, to still miss him so much. Am i?

i can sayang you too,maybe i can't do it as well as she does. I'm sorry;

Edition Originale : First edition

Well, I'll call this the first edition although I had a previous blog. But at least now, I know those people will not be reading it. And i can post much more of my unadulterated feelings of animosity, internal struggles, exhilaration... etc.

Its a new week! I can pretty much foresee a boring week ahead...insipidly mundane heap of repeated workload. :-