whisk me off to melbourne!

whee, i know i've been telling peeps not t read my blog cos its not entirely about my life - its just an avenue for me to run to when distress sets in. Which means, when i don't blog, I'm happy =D so be happy, too!

I've picked up a book lately - Success built to last by Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery and Mark Thompson.
Its a really good book that i'd recommend. The idea of success is driven by the passionate motivation of oneself, due to the love for whatever he/she is good at, which is sufficient to endure through whatever difficulties faced, almost WITH JOY! I'd love that man. They call it the Mandela Effect - abstrated from the story of Nelson Mandela and his efforts to eliminate Aparthied.

People make mistakes. Very often, we are deluded by the society's emphasis on materialistic living. Thus, we throw ourselves blindly at what they claim is 'gold'. But have you ever paused for a minute and wondered about the treasure within yourself? This was what hit me so hard one night as insomnia consumed my resting hours till the break of dawn. I was deluded, i made a mistake. Kill me? Of course not.

I guess i'm still confused about where my passion lays, and am taking time off to realise that. Guess i refuse to compell to 'fact' that I have to stay and finish my course. There's a price to pay, of course - that is that i wont be able to return. In short, I refuse to adopt singaporean mindsets about education. This is about what i want in life, not what i have to.

But, not so. I'm starting ID work and the first project will come in about March, which gives me sufficient time to read up on ID and do my research. Other than that, I'll continue reading while i recieve more things/opportunities and directions that come my way. I hope i'll make it in time over to Melbourne to stay with SWANGGG while i complete foundation! It'll be so awesome. Then i'll only be back sometime end of this year. =) then back again to do a double degree, hopefully. that will take me another 5 years.

Its like a refreshing gust of North-East wind that brushes gently across your face that could probably wake you up from the drudgery of the monotonus humdrum of life. This is my time. to make things right. as much as i want to, I'm not going to rush into anything and enjoy little things in life that we often take for granted. This is what i call life,in my perspective. Doing what i enjoy. is what i call, success. Cos it begins with the heart, where neither words nor money could ever replace,for it never ceases.

i could go on typing forever man. =\
I will not go on deluding myself that i like something that i dont. it doesnt make any sense =)

P.S-i'm only done with the first chapter. So down to the second now =)

& she can't seem to stop crying,like how she did yesterday.


I don't wanna live today as if I don't care about tomorrow. If I had one wish, it would be to know what would happen tomorrow and the following days ahead.

But today, I realise, perhaps, you don't understand me even though its been 18 years.
I know I can't blame you all for not understanding, I wasn't open enough to talk to any of you. I preferred keeping things to myself.
As I type this between sniffles and sobs, I don't even think you'd ever read this anyway.
If you have tried to understand me but to no avail, i know its not your fault. Its me. I am the one who refuse to talk to any of you.

But I just want you to know that I cry when I see daughters taking a happy picture with their father. and when they tell the world how much they love their mum.

I feel so small.

;God,thank You for reading.I don't blame you either.

why am i eluding myself that i dont need you. i think i dont. i guess so...

somuchforanewyearpost.thankyousomuch.fuckyou,alright.

I've been wondering for the past entire year - why am i studying chem process technology. Then it came to a sudden realisation that i should be studying something i am interested in, and not something that im told is good and that i should do it. This came a little slow but i hope its not too late.

After that Sabah trip, it allowed me to sit back and think while i was at the beautiful beach under the warm sun as i indulged in the cool breeze against my face relentlessly.
In a nutshell - reclining from the emotional harangue that was driving me insane.

Now that im back, its worse.

There are no more show white wavefronts that plummet into the shores.
There are no more waves that are strong enough to caress the fine sand so slowly and carefully, its beauty that can never be substituted.
There are no more rocks that overlook the cascadng orange hue of the evening sun over the horizon as it gradually descends.
There are no more coral-littered beaches for me to stroll along aimlessly.
There is no more toasting in the sun without feeling the slightest scorch from the calefaction.

Now, i'm hurled back into the shadowy wilderness where light never exsisted. As nightfall persists per diem, i continue to fumble through foliage and debris in the vile obscurity. As time passes, my skepticism grows together with it. The conundrum continues spinning in my cranium as i drag my wounded, encrusted feet on the damp bed of fallen leaf litter bed. My decriept body, now a burden. My paradoxical dilemna to stay put or strive on to find a way out. I long to see the resplendent glow of the sun again. The lustrous shimmer off the dew across the fields every morning unfailing. The incandescence of the peeping sun to setting treetops ablaze fromt the gentle luminiscent rays. I dream often, to feed my sanity...

Now, my urge to continue my studies, my concern for my future is my priority. And it shall be the motivation that welcomes the new year.

ALmost indisputable,
the impetus of the coming year. A stimulus for my ambition.

walk with me, will you?

first and foremost, i shall promise my readers (whoever you are) that i'll blog more stuff with substance. Yes the songs do portray how i feel. but i should speak.

I'm tired. I don't know why nothing interests me. I feel i've been leading many more than 1 life - i'm living many lifes. A quiet student, mentally overgrown juvenile, nocturnal creature and social butterfly.
So many things that i'm not. Perhaps i really am, however... i prefer elusions.
I've come to a point of too many i-dont-knows in life. So many, you're left with no other corners to take cover but have your naked self exposed TO YOURSELF.
I dont blame anyone who sees me in a different light of who i think i really am. Because i gave them the impression, i didnt dare to show/say - here, this is me, like it or not.

maybe im just thinking too much.maybe i just need to be in control.

life's not all about being in control, but about knowing where we're drifting. thats all. and i'm just afraid of regrets.

thank you for the morning call today. it assured me that you're still around,and that you still do care about everything. it really meant alot to me.

and to my brother, its nice to see you smile again =)

and this song speaks so much for me.

i dont't want to know anything at all.

the last time i felt so lost, so devastated...was when i suffered from a drug overdose.

now, a sudden pandaemonium of fear is taking over me. a fear that history might repeat itself.

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Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me
Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies....

Oh, I've been to Niece and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht
I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see
I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me

[spoken]
Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to beBut you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady......
I've been to paradise, (I've been to paradise)
But I've never been to me

(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Neice and the isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to cryin' for unborn children that might have made me complete)
I've been to paradise, never been to me
(I've been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I've been to paradise, never been to me