If only i knew...

What am I feeeling right now: Listless -.-
The song that's on repeat: 一个人生活 and 分手快樂.

If i'd known, we should've left off as friends or strangers who happened to cross paths that fateful night outside the bar, in the wee hours of dawn. Amongst the bustling crowd of party animals and useless drunkards.

I never knew I wasn't one of them, till we happened.

I guess we were just 2 people, in the wrong time, at the wrong place but with a divine purpose behind that wasn't strong enough carry us through.

;If only i knew you'd make my favourite accident...

i can only imagine.

Just to think about it, I would do things that I would regret (tryna get you to)
To understand how I felt for you
I tried real hard time and time again but I
Didn't know my love wouldn't grow, I shoulda just let it go
But I, stayed around thinkin you would learn to love

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Couldn't do without it, I felt I needed you in my world (to get me by, by)
More and more I looked out for you, tried to play me like a fool so I
Didn't care that love wasn't there, had to just let it go
Couldn't stay around, thinkin you would learn to love

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Amina
And now I'm gone, plus I'd rather be alone
We both grown, lower your tone over the phone, aight
I shoulda known this, damn I shoulda known
It wouldn't last long, when you didn't come home some nights
And now I'm on, in the zone, handle business on my own
So respect the queen on the throne, aight
Here's some strong advice, move on, that's life
You're wrong I'm right, and I gotta letcha go

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Don't know why you would ever lie to me so,
But I shoulda letcha
Don't know why I could never let you go
Coulda, Shoulda, Letcha
Don't know why...

I used to believe in love songs... ...

but now, they are mere fairytales and painted facades.

The melodies aren't the same anymore, the lyrics are senseless as a drunkard's jokes.

Or was it the process of what we did to 'love'?
We screwed it all.

It was you and me, against the world...

Don't hang up.
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like im lost.
What went wrong?
what made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me
Im unchangeable

When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
Its only you
I was blind
Such a fool
Thinking we
Were unbreakable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful.

Ive been told
Whats done is done
To let it go
And carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
Im stuck in time
Im stuck on you
We were still untouchable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up
Cuz im only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now

Because we're much better
All together
Can't let go.

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Make me unbeautiful

Natures of humanity.

Dear God,

I feel like I've started on a journey to hell. I can't see the ends, nor can I see the depths of this afflictive dwelling place to one and many. The sweltering heat, the maliciously tormenting screams, the raw situation, the inequitable fear of uncertainty and the agonizing blazes of torridity that I thread on every single second.

3 days. The ear-piercing screams have died. I am starting to aquire an immuity to the calefaction. My grasp onto sanity weakens as I begin to wonder the things hell has to offer. None. It doesn't change the fact that I am and have to be here. I am loosing track of time. There is no pillar of strength that I can hang on to for dear life. I look up and wonder if that is heaven. God, is that really You? Why don't you speak at all? Or is this disconcerted silence preventing me from hearing You?

My shoes can't withstand the charfe any longer. Looking for Satan is not an option that I would consider. That one way, is You. God. For now, its a trip IN hell as I trudge aimlessly in the debris of humanity and their unrepented transgressions. They speak of a different language, I could almost feel the torment as I gaze into their eyes. Flashes of trauma overwhelms me as fear gripped me like its favourite toy.

Perplexed debilitation pierced right through me. Fumbling in the dirt and grime, I picked myself up and stagger on... ...


Amen.

Spinning in a heart's whirlpool of emotions

LOCKED - as the clock strikes 12 tonight.

Emotional Turmoil - says it all and says it best. No other words coupled together could possibly verbalize this inaudible harangue in me.

I can practically feel an ugly ogre incubating in me, growing and waiting for that disinct moment to manifest and detonate into a mushroom cloud of nuclear energy.
Seriously, who are you to deserve such ardently profound feelings of mine.

Maybe you used to feel more.
maybe you used to love me more,
maybe you're tired of me,
maybe you think I'm still giving
you all that nonsense that i used to throw your way
maybe you've finally realised i'm not that worth it after all,
maybe i'm just not that fantastic afterall.

Maybe things took a turn after he came into the picture.
Maybe you didnt mean it that very night, before i walked home,
that you'd still love me no less.
Maybe cos i still expect you to be that guy i knew from the very beginning.
Maybe im asking for something that's non-existent already.
Maybe, there's no turning back anymore. for you. and me.

The tears i shed for you that never seems to stop every night when you're not with me. I've finally found the reason behind all the catastrophe-weathered mental state of mine.

;i cry, for i've lost you already. and as it continues everynight, the anguish never ceases. never.












And ... "I Miss You"

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope

And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all

overwhelming torrents behind a paper masquerade;

Could it be the world's gone colder? Or maybe, I'm just a losing soul - just me and no one else.

The more I try it just gets harder and my pain is getting old. No remedy seems to countermeasure this travail that's way too familiar - like an old friend that could convince me that some things could possibly be too close for comfort, that it is being compromised subconsciously.

Somebody said that nothing lasts forever. 'Its just the storm' so I've been told. But not one has promised that it'd stop, for me. And it seems that when it rains it pours, mercilessly. Perhaps I'm beginning to revel in these unwinding moments, hugging my knees, face my back upon the enitre melancholic despondence.

As i began the transposition, all it presented was a whitewashed blank. Nothing. Not even a tiny speck of dust that marred it. I shrugged in dismay, dejected and weary. As i hung my head low, nurse the wounds that resurfaced yet again. I startled upon the sight of the tool in my hands, barely gripping it feebly - a paintbrush and a palatte with multidudes of shades and tonal pastels.

We turn out backs on something, not to brood and bring upon misery and self-inflicted torture. But we do that sometimes to remind ourselves that we still have a paintbrush and a wonderfully gifted palatte of colours to make a difference in our own lives.

And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

Sometimes it gets so heavy, and it seems too hard to bear.
Sometimes I feel so empty and it feels like no one's there.
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever.
Its 'just the storm' so I've been told.
But it seems that when it rains it pours.

I hate to think that this is escapism. But unfortunately, it already is, in itself. Sometimes, at night, i'd lay in bed staring at whatever's in front of me, wondering what you really what from me that I've fallen short of. Too many shortcomings that i can name for you, baby. As tears welled up in my eyes, i wished my vision was that blur all the time, sometimes. Like i wished i never could see you, maybe cos i never did and never will be able to.

;forgive me if i were to call at 3 in the morning and wondered what went wrong with me.

-dedicated to the BF,leong.