Spinning and weaving my own circles of confusion that leads to nowhere - eventually a blackhole that places me onto unfamiliar grounds, yet. Indeed, perhaps I'm trying too hard to love the world. Little thoughts that're unreciprocated - we often take for granted. Too often than not, I've been persuading myself to drop the idea of making someone happy by going the extra mile - even if it means just an unexpected phone call, ending a gathering earlier than usual just to rush home to ensure that you can dash out at any instance to surprise that someone, getting up early to beat the time... anything.
I've learnt that extra miles are taken because we, subconciously, expect the other to be elated or at least, surprised. I do not doubt that it does not cost much at all - loosing a little sleep, missing out a little catching up wiht friends or just a few minutes in our hectic lives... But the bigger thing that extra miles have taken away from me, is the emotional well-being of me. Whenever i find myself stuck in such atrocities of my good intentions, my emotional being erodes like a landslide in a heavy downpour - all because it just doesnt seem to be appreciated. I think i need a life, seriously. Being affected by such gritty events when the world has so much more to offer. Basically, its discouraging to be filled with anticipation only to realise the other has conveniently forgotten all about time or, you. I don't wish to go into details but i hope this is comprehensive enough.
I am not giving up. Because i am still clinging onto hope - that these little things do matter and makes them happy. only because they matter to me. I am not sure how i am going to go about doing this. Here i am, picking myself up again as i type this. Though every fall marks a strike on my heart like an engraving on an ancient scoreboard - irreversible. Soon, there'll be no space left. Then flip my heart around and continue marking those. At least i am still trying, meaning there's still a slight chance that you might be happy. Whatever it takes, i guess. perhaps when i love, i love more than i love myself.
and i think its 'cos i love you more than i love myself.
Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I have no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you
Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...
Please lady please lady
don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives
Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...
Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
and it's that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love
Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free
hey lady I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me...
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...
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