I realised i've been missing out on posting lately. I guess there's just too much that happened and is still happening,for me to pen down everytime i manage to steal time for the cyberworld.
YES, its the big ole exams. SUCKS.
Well, I was just an inch away from refusing to sit for my papers. I shall not go into that...Cos' then, I'll probably take forever in front of this silly screen.
Maybe I'm just telling myself its tough.
So, i should convince myself its not too difficult and I'll get by.
I was engrossed by my usual random musings one balmy afternoon, only to stumble upon the reason of my warped disposition. We, humans, in general, hate disappointment and failure. We scorn at the slightest thought of it happening to us - our worst nightmare. Thus, we look way ahead, trying to vaticinate all the possibilities of such atrophy. Last but not least, we eliminate all digressions - negligible or convictive.
Relating back to my predicament, I was inducing the idea of the ardousness of it all - only leaving myself exasperated and controversial within. I... was trying to avoid disappointment. The disappointment that was naturally born to expectations. When we all piece this entire vicious cycle together, we see a domino effect of adverse events that none of us had intended calling for.
IF ONLY, we would sit back and inhale deeply for a while... just, for a while. Spare 15-30 minutes just letting the mind unwind and rest in His peacefulness. And I did.
Hideous thoughts were flashing through my mind incessantly. Fear gripped me as i stared blankly into thin air. They wouldn't stop. They revoled in circles around my head like a derailed locomotive that wouldn't stop till it crashed. I could almost hear my silent screams of infidelities in my cranium - the inaudible harangue. Cold sweat trickled down my temples sending an electrifying sensation through my body. I shuddered. Shaken to my senses, I heaved a heavy-spirited sigh. It was the mind playing tricks again.
I stood up slowly from my slumped position as I straightened my back. Trudging down the stairs, I fixed my stare on the feet as my head hung low. Such mental drudgery only a Prisoner-Of-War would physically flounder upon.
I thought to myself such delusion would have to retire or I would be building my life ahead on the foundations of oppression and languid. Like a piece of land that once , had the potential to cultivate bustling lush greenery and withold an explosion of vivacious colors ... but chose to deteriorate into an undulating, barren piece of derelict dirt.
'Its all about choices' I almost mumbled to myself silently.
Picking myself up, I quickened my pace into the cottage-styled kitchen, made myself a cup of hot camomile tea, and inhaled deeply between small sips. I could almost feel myself reeling back into the past as if i was causuled in a time-machine zooming through time. The only difference was: things that mattered too much then, no longer existed as a perplexity.
Slowly and steadily, I began colouring my world again. Like how a rucksack made into canvas, I painted the masterpiece of my life, unreserved of the acrylics on my palatte. And i never regretted, ever since...
Indeed, I have fallen short of Your grace, that I am simply imperfect.>
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