Confessions of the impertinent predilections of a sinner...

the growing car fanatic = bad liability.

2009-07-02T12:42:00.003+08:00

1. I'm totally in love with white MR-2s with red interiors! (and i'm so tempted to get one!)
2. The lexus IS has launched the cabriolet version! All that i've been waiting for. Heaven.
3. The Nissan 370z roadster will be out only in 2011. (But I don't think baby can wait. 'cos i can't either!)

;did you hear me say that the weekend's already here? cos you make me feel like it always is! <3

Vow-ed. And now, please, take a bow.

2009-06-29T05:29:00.004+08:00

You weren't told of the very promise that I made to myself.

That if someone, like how you were when we first started out, ever came into my life again...

I swore never to let him go.

That's the mistake I'll never commit again, ever.

;now you've showed me all that I've ever wanted,baby. you.

What I want - Chris Daughtry

2009-06-21T20:08:00.002+08:00

It always seemed that I was sorry for the things that I did,
But never did a thing about it 'til I let you in.
It's kinda funny about the time that I was falling apart.
You came and put me back together, now.

'Cause what I want
And what I need
Has now become the same thing
You've been offering.
As days go by,
I've finally become what you want me to be.

I still remember all the stupid things that I've said and done,
But still, you stuck around with me when all your friends said, "Run!"
Givin' me a name, I found myself inside all the flames.
Becoming everything for you again.

What I want
And what I need
Has now become the same thing
You've been offering.
As days go by,
I've finally become what you want me to be.

Don't tell me you saw it all along.
God help me, I never knew it alone.
Guess I was wrong.

What I want
And what I need
Has now become the same thing
You've been offering.
As days go by,
I've finally become what you want me to be.

And what I need
Has now become the same thing
You've been offering.
You've taken me.

Conviction

2009-05-19T11:26:00.002+08:00

Till all these fucking become platitudinous and mundane, you may leave.
I can't wait.
---------------------------------------------
this crowd of thoughts is dizzying
picking a path betwixt and amongst the consumed
trying to stay sharp throughout the chains of act-and-reactions
so often estranged from this world,a mere curious observer,
capturing the essence of this other life from a standpoint in an alternate reality,
beyond the outskirts of them,of there.

the here and now includes my red and black backpack,
and this faded navy baseball cap. the sublime sun,
ink-stained brown pants, and a pair of black and white kickers on feet that flail in a mortal existence.

Confined to the boundaries of my skull,
I have never really been a part of here...
there has never been a now.

The crises looming, yet escaping the concern of the masses,
strips bare to my eye a humbling portrait of our planet,
the dust speck.

and it is in bewilderment, that I flounder over the subjectivity
of microscopic organisms and their position
in the human dominated hierarchy.

pondering sorrows

2009-02-05T10:14:00.002+08:00

I was in the middle of lecture, barely into the first hour of the morning. A huge bout of tears rushed to the corners of my eyes. The nauseating feeling from a warm fuzz in my stomach, shot to my nose. I never fought my tears so hard, the urge to run home to cry was overwhelming.

"How can someone who claimed to love/really do love me so much, ever do something like that to me?"

I do not comprehend, yet enlightenment isn't what I'm seeking.

Its the comfort of sleeping soundly in someone arms again, that I'm seeking.
Let it be yours, as always.

One last cry.

2009-02-03T18:31:00.003+08:00

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands, standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone, wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you, nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on
And on.....

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I had my
One last cry

One last cry, before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

擦肩而過 - 李聖傑

2009-02-01T15:10:00.001+08:00

What I'm feeling now: Nostalgic.

If only i knew...

2009-01-31T16:49:00.007+08:00

What am I feeeling right now: Listless -.-
The song that's on repeat: 一个人生活 and 分手快樂.

If i'd known, we should've left off as friends or strangers who happened to cross paths that fateful night outside the bar, in the wee hours of dawn. Amongst the bustling crowd of party animals and useless drunkards.

I never knew I wasn't one of them, till we happened.

I guess we were just 2 people, in the wrong time, at the wrong place but with a divine purpose behind that wasn't strong enough carry us through.

;If only i knew you'd make my favourite accident...

i can only imagine.

2009-01-22T10:18:00.004+08:00

Just to think about it, I would do things that I would regret (tryna get you to)
To understand how I felt for you
I tried real hard time and time again but I
Didn't know my love wouldn't grow, I shoulda just let it go
But I, stayed around thinkin you would learn to love

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Couldn't do without it, I felt I needed you in my world (to get me by, by)
More and more I looked out for you, tried to play me like a fool so I
Didn't care that love wasn't there, had to just let it go
Couldn't stay around, thinkin you would learn to love

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Amina
And now I'm gone, plus I'd rather be alone
We both grown, lower your tone over the phone, aight
I shoulda known this, damn I shoulda known
It wouldn't last long, when you didn't come home some nights
And now I'm on, in the zone, handle business on my own
So respect the queen on the throne, aight
Here's some strong advice, move on, that's life
You're wrong I'm right, and I gotta letcha go

And we both knew, you're wrong
There's nothing you can do, to ever undo what you've done to me
I loved you, deep in my heart I know you couldn't love me
But baby I just kept holding on, I shoulda let you go
Shoulda let you go

Don't know why you would ever lie to me so,
But I shoulda letcha
Don't know why I could never let you go
Coulda, Shoulda, Letcha
Don't know why...

I used to believe in love songs... ...

2009-01-20T13:58:00.002+08:00

but now, they are mere fairytales and painted facades.

The melodies aren't the same anymore, the lyrics are senseless as a drunkard's jokes.

Or was it the process of what we did to 'love'?
We screwed it all.

It was you and me, against the world...

2009-01-08T18:58:00.003+08:00

Don't hang up.
Can we talk?
So confused
It's like im lost.
What went wrong?
what made you go?
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me
Im unchangeable

When did we
Fall apart?
Or did you lie
From the start?
When you said
Its only you
I was blind
Such a fool
Thinking we
Were unbreakable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful.

Ive been told
Whats done is done
To let it go
And carry on
And deep inside
I know that's true
Im stuck in time
Im stuck on you
We were still untouchable

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more.
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up
Cuz im only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now

Because we're much better
All together
Can't let go.

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know
What made me unbeautiful

Make me unbeautiful

Natures of humanity.

2009-01-07T10:46:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

I feel like I've started on a journey to hell. I can't see the ends, nor can I see the depths of this afflictive dwelling place to one and many. The sweltering heat, the maliciously tormenting screams, the raw situation, the inequitable fear of uncertainty and the agonizing blazes of torridity that I thread on every single second.

3 days. The ear-piercing screams have died. I am starting to aquire an immuity to the calefaction. My grasp onto sanity weakens as I begin to wonder the things hell has to offer. None. It doesn't change the fact that I am and have to be here. I am loosing track of time. There is no pillar of strength that I can hang on to for dear life. I look up and wonder if that is heaven. God, is that really You? Why don't you speak at all? Or is this disconcerted silence preventing me from hearing You?

My shoes can't withstand the charfe any longer. Looking for Satan is not an option that I would consider. That one way, is You. God. For now, its a trip IN hell as I trudge aimlessly in the debris of humanity and their unrepented transgressions. They speak of a different language, I could almost feel the torment as I gaze into their eyes. Flashes of trauma overwhelms me as fear gripped me like its favourite toy.

Perplexed debilitation pierced right through me. Fumbling in the dirt and grime, I picked myself up and stagger on... ...

Amen.

Spinning in a heart's whirlpool of emotions

2008-12-17T10:14:00.005+08:00

LOCKED - as the clock strikes 12 tonight.

Emotional Turmoil - says it all and says it best. No other words coupled together could possibly verbalize this inaudible harangue in me.

I can practically feel an ugly ogre incubating in me, growing and waiting for that disinct moment to manifest and detonate into a mushroom cloud of nuclear energy.
Seriously, who are you to deserve such ardently profound feelings of mine.

Maybe you used to feel more.
maybe you used to love me more,
maybe you're tired of me,
maybe you think I'm still giving
you all that nonsense that i used to throw your way
maybe you've finally realised i'm not that worth it after all,
maybe i'm just not that fantastic afterall.

Maybe things took a turn after he came into the picture.
Maybe you didnt mean it that very night, before i walked home,
that you'd still love me no less.
Maybe cos i still expect you to be that guy i knew from the very beginning.
Maybe im asking for something that's non-existent already.
Maybe, there's no turning back anymore. for you. and me.

The tears i shed for you that never seems to stop every night when you're not with me. I've finally found the reason behind all the catastrophe-weathered mental state of mine.

;i cry, for i've lost you already. and as it continues everynight, the anguish never ceases. never.

And ... "I Miss You"

Gimme a reason
Why I'm feeling so blue
Everytime I close my eyes, all I see is you
Gimme a reason
Why I can't feel my heart
Everytime you leave my side, I just fall apart

And when you're fast asleep, I wonder where you go
Can you tell me, I wanna know

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

Gimme a reason
Why I can't concentrate
The world is turning upside down
Spinning round and round
Gimme a reason
Why I now understand
The beauty and simplicity of everything surrounding me

You got a way of spreading magic everywhere
Anywhere I go, I know you're always there
It sounds ridiculous, but when you leave a room
There's a part of me that just wants to follow you too

Because I miss you
And this is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

It's such a hard life in most of the time
I'm just surviving
That's why I want you to know
In the world where sincerity has lost its meaning
You fill my world with so much hope

And I miss you
This is all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all
You know I miss you
I think about you when you're gone
I guess I miss you, nothing's wrong
I don't need to carry on

You know I miss you
And this all I wanna say
I guess I miss you, beautiful
These three words have said it all

overwhelming torrents behind a paper masquerade;

2008-12-03T18:21:00.004+08:00

Could it be the world's gone colder? Or maybe, I'm just a losing soul - just me and no one else.

The more I try it just gets harder and my pain is getting old. No remedy seems to countermeasure this travail that's way too familiar - like an old friend that could convince me that some things could possibly be too close for comfort, that it is being compromised subconsciously.

Somebody said that nothing lasts forever. 'Its just the storm' so I've been told. But not one has promised that it'd stop, for me. And it seems that when it rains it pours, mercilessly. Perhaps I'm beginning to revel in these unwinding moments, hugging my knees, face my back upon the enitre melancholic despondence.

As i began the transposition, all it presented was a whitewashed blank. Nothing. Not even a tiny speck of dust that marred it. I shrugged in dismay, dejected and weary. As i hung my head low, nurse the wounds that resurfaced yet again. I startled upon the sight of the tool in my hands, barely gripping it feebly - a paintbrush and a palatte with multidudes of shades and tonal pastels.

We turn out backs on something, not to brood and bring upon misery and self-inflicted torture. But we do that sometimes to remind ourselves that we still have a paintbrush and a wonderfully gifted palatte of colours to make a difference in our own lives.

And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

Sometimes it gets so heavy, and it seems too hard to bear.
Sometimes I feel so empty and it feels like no one's there.
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever.
Its 'just the storm' so I've been told.
But it seems that when it rains it pours.

I hate to think that this is escapism. But unfortunately, it already is, in itself. Sometimes, at night, i'd lay in bed staring at whatever's in front of me, wondering what you really what from me that I've fallen short of. Too many shortcomings that i can name for you, baby. As tears welled up in my eyes, i wished my vision was that blur all the time, sometimes. Like i wished i never could see you, maybe cos i never did and never will be able to.

;forgive me if i were to call at 3 in the morning and wondered what went wrong with me.

-dedicated to the BF,leong.

the truth, and the world - liars lost in the hands of time.

2008-11-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

Ecstasy is all you need
Living in the the big machine
Oh you're so vain
Now your world is way too fast
Nothing's real and nothing lasts
And I'm aware
I'm in love but you don't care

Turn your anger into lust
I'm still here but you don't trust at all
And I'll be waiting
Love and sex and loneliness
Take what's yours and leave the rest
So I'll survive
God it's good to be alive

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

Still in love with all your sins
Where you stop and I begin
And I'll be waiting
Living like a house on fire
What you fear is your desire
It's hard to deal
I still love the way you feel

Now this angry little girl
Drowning in this petty world
And I'm who you run to
Swallow all your bitter pills
That's what makes you beautiful
You're all or not
I don't need what you ain't got

I'm torn in pieces
I'm blind and waiting for you
My heart is reeling
I'm blind and waiting for you

I'm blind and waiting for you
I'm blind and waiting for you
No I can't believe it's coming true
God it's good to be alive
And I'm still here waiting for you
No I can't believe it's coming true
I'm blind and waiting for you

;that final blow before i fall over - denial is a way to preserve your sanity sometimes, most of the time.

if i had one wish...

2008-11-15T14:10:00.002+08:00

is to turn back time and undo all the hurt. or that you'd love me like you used to.

;breaking apart, slowly but surely...

The parties till dawn, never too much booze and hormonal teasing sex

2008-11-14T16:10:00.003+08:00

Are just the things you need sometimes.

the rhythm of life - inevitability

2008-11-12T18:19:00.007+08:00

The revolving globe, changing cultures, technology's rapid advancements, miracles of biotechnological researches, changing lifestyles - all because we change. and we changeD.

If only we'd stop and think. Hit that pause button and place that 'thinking hat' on for a moment. The world may change, and people change with it. That's reasonably comprehensive. However, as an individual, i started to ponder the subconscious effect that was secretly working in me.

The moral decadence gyrating my conscience incessantly. I struggle to keep myself at the brink of sanity as it continues to threaten my foothold. I prayed and pleaded to God that these emotional battles in me would cease. I'm almost deafened by the inaudible harangue my heart's screaming. Emotionally deafened.

Many already are. It seems like a God-sent solution to the little boulders we trip over on life's journey. Hey, it isn't. It's a temporary effect that shortchanges us of the little gifts of feelings that were truely God given. We do ourselves more harm than good in the long run. We're only avoiding the sorrows in an absolutely unfair exchange of our happiness. I'm not allowing myself to fall prey to such atrocity.

I know who i am, who i want to be. And you're not going to change that no matter what. The world may change, you may change but I'll not succumb. In life, we all make mistakes. But there are some mistakes we cannot afford to make.

;You might be a mistake but your influence in my life is a mistake i cannot afford. andimeanit.

b.r.o.k.e.n - how else could it be spelt clearer besides feeling it for yourself.

2008-11-08T23:07:00.003+08:00

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

Deceived myself into believing that time really stood still. I really wished it could. And i tried hard enough for it to seem like it did. The tranquility of night before a new dawn, time seemed to have froze, sending a sluicing chill down the nape of my neck then the spine - if tomorrow never comes. So i sat there waiting, praying for a direction - that God would take away my emotional disposition. So much, i think i've reached damage's saturation point, battered and torn. You're watching, and you contine, unmoved, with scrutiny and nonchalence.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm falling apart, barely breathing. If only i could describe how heart wrenching it felt. A heart ripped out of my forcefully and hung on the butcher's line at 5 in the morning awaiting hungry housewifes and their marketing baskets. Imagine the kind of helplessness and hopeless resignation. But the heart's still beating, life still goes on... and the acute pain isn't helping at all. There's gotta be healing somewhere. The incessant ringing of your name, still so vivid in my consciousness, and its all that i'm left with to hold on to. I'm barely holding on to you.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

The broken locks were a warning to me, but i succumbed to my feeelings and you got inside my head and my heart. I thought i was guarded but it ended up being the other way round, you could read me inside out.

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my wayAnd I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Im damaged at best. wonderful, isnt it. it just had to be you when you werent even part of my plan.

heart-break.er. period.

2008-11-07T21:12:00.003+08:00

Where Its At
I Know Karma's Comin To Pay Me Back
I'm With The Sweetest Thang Thats On The Map
I Broke Her Heart In 30 Seconds Flat
In 30 Seconds Flat

Now How Did I
Just How Did I Become That Kind Of Guy
To Look At Girl And Lie Right In The Eye
My Momma Told Me Willy That Ain't Right
Boy Now That Ain't Right

I'm Sorry
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart [x2]
I'm Sorry
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Ya
Break It Baby
Look Baby
I'm A Heartbreaker
I'm A Heart

Where She Go
I Got Some Things I Gotta Let Her Know
To Fix The Love Now It's Impossible
But Baby Baby If We Take It Slow
If We Take It Slow
We Can Make It Work
We Just Can't Throw The Love Down In The Dirt
You Probly Think That Im A FucKin Jerk
Cuz The Way I Let You Down It Made You Hurt
I Didn't Mean To Make You Hurt

I'm Sorry
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart
I'm Sorry
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Ya
Break It Baby
Look Baby
I'm A Heartbreaker

I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Your Heart
I'm Sorry
I Didn't Mean To Break Ya
Break It Baby
Look Baby
I'm A Heartbreaker

what am i to do with you.
There's never a right time to say goodbye
But I gotta make the first move
'Cause if I don't you gonna start hating me
Cause I really don't feel the way I once felt about you
Girl it's not you, it's me

hell yea right i didnt mean to break your heart.

Love is all.

2008-10-30T11:34:00.001+08:00

Marc Anthony - Love Is All

When you hold me like this
So many memories fill my eyes
The first time we kissed
The times we nearly said goodbye
But, still, here we are
Tested and tried and still true
And stronger than we ever knew

Love is all
The laughter and the tears that fall
The mundane and the magical
Love is all
All is love
The careless word, the healing touch
The getting and the giving of
All is love

There's a me you've always known
The me that's a stranger still
The you that feels like home
And the you that never will
But, still, here we lie
Tender and trusting and true
With everything that we've been through

All the glory
All the pain
All the passion
That turns to ashes
Only to rise again

;love is the fact that someone has held your hand through it all and not let go.

错误, its an understatement that i have to live with.

2008-10-26T12:38:00.005+08:00

I don't beleve it
是我放弃了你
只为一个没有理由的决定
以为这次我可以承受你离我而去

不必让你伤心却刺痛自己
一个人走在傍晚七点的台北city
等着心痛就像黑夜一样的来临

i hate myself
又整夜追逐梦中的你
而明天只剩哭泣的心

怎么才能让我告诉你我不愿意
教彼此都在孤独里忍住伤心
我又怎么告诉你我还爱你
是我自己错误的决定

我要告诉你我不愿意
教彼此都在孤独里忍住伤心
我又怎么告诉你我还爱你
是我自己错误的决定.

;and i'm that unbelievable creature that makes understanding someone so challenging...

when words seem inadequate...

2008-10-17T19:23:00.002+08:00

Here I am, slumped in the comfort of my room, huddled up on the cosy armchair that sits facing my desk. Fingers hovering above the keyboard, it was as if they had a mind of their own and were hesitant about getting down to typing. I call this feeling, a word clot. Word clots around the heart - clots that even Daflon would be put to shame.

Personally, I've always felt that word clots are far worse in comparison to blood clots. If I had a blood clot, things are much simpler - I'd probably die a slow, impetuated death as blood (which also happens to be the cause of the death) eventually stops travelling through my body and heart. Its funny when you stop and think. The same essential you need to run through your body to survive, is stopping you from living now. Irony, ain't it? In conjunction to that, what would happen then, when a word clot occurs?

We don't die - we all know that. But such subrtle, silent torment summons insurmountable surges of emotions that even death would seem inferior in any way possible.

Given the modern context of today's society, people grow up learning to feel less each day. Deep within my conflicting consciece, that would make me a mere infant - a concept of which i obviously cannot seem to accept nor swallow both factually and fictionally. As these thoughts continued running incessantly through my cranium, i realised that there are too many factors attributed to the loss of reality and what it meant. Gradually, my perception of the world started to fall apart and everything doesnt seem to make sense anymore. Nothing. Perhaps this explains the recession and market crashes - the world's building blocks and pillars of strength shaken. Realisation, admittance and change is what we neeed. Humanity and the world never was about monogamy even before Eve was created for Adam. I could go on almost forever about this incoherent place we live in and the emotional roller coasters it offered and still has, in abundance.

My dearest sister,
you know, you never fail to throw me word clots. This isn't a public complain but i want you to know that whenever something happens, its not because i have nothing to say or that i cannot be bothered. Word clots happened, and always do. I don't want to put you down and pin you to the ground with mud in your face because it really isn't my job, i felt. Nor do i want to raise you up and allow you to succumb to fallacies. I care, in a different gesture your/my parents do. Suppression isn't a solution for me, its a way out. I do not want to run away. At the back of my head, it sends a subtle fear sluicing up from my spine, a creeper in a snake-like motion. As much as i want you to know that i am not running away, please, running away from reality really isn't a solution. Reality is harsh, but its a phase in life that just gets tougher than you think it seems. When you reach the corners , you'll have to turn around, hang your head low and come crawling back the same way you ran away from... Its only gonna make things worse.

;life is but a destination you set for yourself.

Accessing my personality

2008-09-29T08:16:00.004+08:00

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

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The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

INFJ Relationships
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFJ Strengths
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Warm and affirming by nature
Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings
Usually have good communication skills, especially written
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Good listeners
Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFJ Weaknesses
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tendency to hold back part of themselves
Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

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INFJs as Lovers
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive - to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before." -- Rollo May

INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it's very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFJs as Parents
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable." -- Kahlil Gibran

INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren't met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.

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INFJs as Friends
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Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socialing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don't place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. genuine article that they are.

Strike a match, light the sun. Watch the preview, life's a game.

2008-09-23T03:54:00.004+08:00

I thought i'd flop into bed and hit slumberland like lightning breaks that reach the earth, especially after such a long day.

Apparently not. And we all wonder why.

The point being, I'm not able to sleep till the break of dawn. Till then, it'd be a good time to take Niko for a stroll as the sun creeps up. Take a pitstop at the park and indulge in the serenity of the entire ceremony that never fails to brighten up our days.

I'm not living life the way i thought i should be. Whatever happened to 'seriously, Fuck Love', i don't know either. Only because I've given up, or because i never knew what it really was, or i keep thinking love's not for me. I'd say, probably all of the above. It's not worth anything.

I wanted to wish you well, but after second thoughts, I realised i would've needed the well-wishing far more than you ever needed. Thus, it would've been a total suppression of your abilities if i wished you well - the fact that i knew you would be at your best, unaffected. So, i bidded my farewell and left.

;cheeeseballz. dang, i hate myself sometimes, most of the time.

pfft

2008-09-23T00:52:00.003+08:00

blistering barnacles and pieces of blinking ninihammers. cheeseballsless dimwits.

on a brighter note, golfed 200 balls at the range today. blistered the finger that spells f*ck. probably a sign that i've been using it a lil' too often than i should've. :D tell me my blog is oh-so-boring. i need a life. screw it.

why don't people just fuck themselves.seriously. sheesh

the people/things i'll never get tired of!

2008-09-22T16:16:00.007+08:00

the blink of an eye :)

2008-09-22T01:28:00.005+08:00

The weeekend's gone again. Not going into the nitty critty details of every minute like any other blog out there.

My weekend was fantastic. Here's the catch - my weekends are always fantastic. But when i think this weekend was wonderful, the next one's always better. I'm starting to wonder if it'll ever end. And i reckon not.

All happened only because the loved one never left my side. Evidently, he made it fantabulously enjoyable. Hugs! And with all my love, thank you dearie! <3 !

;like a ticket to the moon and back. that's you baby.

determined.

2008-09-19T16:16:00.003+08:00

And i AM going to work my ass off.

cheers to success people. :)

decision.

2008-09-17T14:33:00.001+08:00

I'm not trying to be another angsty little pimply teen out there.

but seriously, Fuck Love.

It ends tonight.

2008-09-16T22:24:00.003+08:00

Your subtleties,
They strangle me,
I can't explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
Your finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when your blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

pay-back time, fuckers.

vindicated.

2008-09-09T01:40:00.004+08:00

and everynight when i lie in bed
tell myself you ain't worth all this
you don't know.
but the tears trickle freely
that familiar warmth on my face
you don't know.
thought it wouldn't be a nightmare
but it seems to turn out the worst
you don't know.
thoughts of packing my bags
thoughts of packing up the dreams
you don't know.
tell me you don't need me anymore
i can't imagine fucking another
you don't know.

;but i'll be fine by myself.i guess.

Pursuit of Happyness... not happiness.

2008-09-07T18:39:00.004+08:00

If someone (probably a guy) ever got you wondering how brainlessly insensitive they can get, my advice would be, don't bother wondering - cos it'll never end.

And if you think you can find someone more sensitive than the current lover, my advice would be, happy searching - cos a pussy would probably be much better of.

Bottomline is: go ahead and BE happy. If you need a sensitive person around you, that's because you NEED something FROM THEM. Cut that out. Live your life the way you want, do what you want, be the person you ARE. Unless you retort that you ARE an emotionally needy person. Then I'm sorry this isn't for you cos you will suffer from a tragic lack of whatever-it-is.

nutshell- probably the only sensitive part of them is their f*cking dickheads, of which, sadly, is the the only head they think their brain is situated at.

;and now you got your answer to why sometimes players get the girls all the time.and girls are still crying over them despite their infidelities and still hang onto the 'relationship'.the amazing element of sensitivity is the answer.

.Impermanence.
every breath is different
but each one keeps
you alive

the sun slides across the sky
the same way everyday
but the clouds
shuffle its rays
infinitesimally

kites are flown in the wind
by different people
but the breeze
points every possible way
imaginable.

they all take a different journey
and of which, rather often
when handled by most amateurs,
our kites never return.

Question of the century...

2008-09-03T18:20:00.001+08:00

I wait for you OR you wait for me.

Differs in scenarios, but still... ... its either or.

And its pretty fucked methinks.

一个人生活 - 林凡

2008-09-01T03:39:00.004+08:00

叶子在窗外轻轻摇动
人行道没有行人走过
镜子里的我很不像我
自从你离开了我变得很软弱
你的影子在每一个角落
好像是在提醒着我
少了你的陪伴我现在有多寂寞

我想我可以习惯一个人生活
我想我可以假装不曾爱过
冰凉的夜里让眼泪温热我
感觉如果要走谁能说 no

我想我可以习惯一个人生活
在记忆里面擦去你的承诺
爱情怎么会是这个结果
爱情是个梦而我睡过头

;爱情是个梦而我睡过头

Couch potato #1

2008-08-30T15:24:00.004+08:00

And here i am, in the middle of a WEEKEND stuck at home in the midst of the humid gloom and threatening grey clouds looming right above me.

But its wonderful. I'm enjoying a book, comfortably tucked in bed.
With a warm cup of tea, an under-sized tee and undies! :))

;even when you aren't with me, even when you don't bother reading all these little love notes, even when you don't bother. fuck.

Declaration...

2008-08-29T18:12:00.003+08:00

I just got back from a relaxing run with my dog, Niko. 4km? I should think so. And it feeels goooood. Dog training again tonight with baby, and baby's baby of course. Haha!

So, right now. The enjoyments of my life - tennis, doggie runs and jazz :)

THE GOOOD OLE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!! 2 months for me! Driving lessons, pole dancing classes, perm my hair, get doggie walking assignments and... Australia!

;you're not an enjoyment, love. you're a necessity ; the one i can't live without.

this is Jaedon. i miss him.

Life in hell : day 2 - struggling to survive

2008-08-23T12:03:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 9am, mopped around till 10 plus. Rushed my mom to the dog groomers, appointment was at 11am. She was too busy doing the laundry and all, my dad decided to fetch both the doggies. Came home, mopped and distinfected the porch with floor detergent and dettol 8 TIMES. Brushed the sidewalks clean with the used soap water from the laundry. My morning gone.

Showered and did a little revision, electrician came to fix lights, replaced my leaking heater and added an extra shelf on my wall. Now,i need to fix a fence that seperates the garden from the backyard. It'll be Niko's haven. =D lucky ass dog. Picked the dogs from the groomers at 5. got back. went to the salon for a hair wash and off with mummy to church for prayer meeting. dinner-ed.

Whoa. No studying done = no progression. Eesh.

the ones whom you'd never give in to, try so f-ing hard. and the ones you're dying for, cannot be f-ing bothered. so, might as well don't f-ing bother.

life in hell : day 1 - survived

2008-08-21T23:30:00.005+08:00

So, I will be posting how miserably life would be treating me from this day on.

Lo and behold, the ONLY reason being : the blistering maid took off.

Up, up and away, to the Embassy on the account of being ill-treated from her soap-corroded hands due to her stubborn refute from wearing gloves when handling our laundry - of which she did not report likewise and made it look like another cruel story splattered all over the papers just a while back. (-*&%$#@-)

AND, poor me, had to bathe the dogs, dry their long and thick furcoats (zomg, it takes forever i swear), wash and mop their quarters, wash the carpet that Niko pee-ed on, mop the floor again cos she pee-ed at the same spot where the carpet was, grocery shopping for both the dogs (dry food, pet milk and shampoo) and my own. Finally, walked the dogs... ...
My afternoon and evening gone, just like that. Amazing.

I doubt I need anymore tennis as part of my exercise regime. Housework is more than enough to keep me at the edge and working out, non-stop. Lest, the dog walking part. I almost feel like a sled whenever i hook on the 'walking leash' :(

animal sporting ambassadors, anyone?

awaiting other uploads... ... presenting to you. LA trip!!!

2008-08-19T19:34:00.005+08:00

transitions... the good and bad.

2008-08-14T11:15:00.004+08:00

If life was like a train ride to the other end of the world, I would've taken countless transits. And at every transit, learnt something new, changed - for the better or worse, matured, grown and realised.

So I'm marking this paticular transit I'm stopping over at just this very moment. A transit of nothingness. I might be a transit where that's absolutely desolute and derelict... or a transit that happened too quickly.

But, this transit is neither. This transit was of unexplained incidents, misled conversations and saturation points.
I divulged into wonder. enough not to wander.

Dear readers, i would like to apoligize for the degradation in content of my posts. Passing thoughts slip my mind at every instance. I think i need to start penning my thoughts down soon.

and i wondered if apologies were made too often than not, would 'sorry' still carry across the messages that it was initially created for.

the song that spoke more than a thousand words.

2008-08-12T14:42:00.000+08:00

I dont wanna lose you,
I dont wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I dont wanna hate you
I dont wanna take you
But I dont wanna be the one to cry
That dont really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

Now I could never change you
I dont wanna blame you
Baby you dont have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking somethings gonna change

But theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart you cant trust
Theres a reason why people dont stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just aint enough

And theres no way home
When its late at night and youre all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And theres a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know its your heart they cant touch.
Theres a reason why people dont stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just aint enough.
Baby sometimes love just aint enough.

the inevitable element of change...

2008-08-08T00:24:00.003+08:00

After all these while, now you seem like a totally different person i've perspected you to be. I'm to blame cos its what i've assumed.

Thinking back, i shrug my shoulders when i ask if it was a good thing i didn't jump into a relationship with you. I'd just say am definitely turned-off by the things you do and it wasn't the you the i once knew. Not anymore. Perhaps you were putting up a front just to make me fall for it and assure me that you'd be a safe choice.

Or maybe, my leaving made you turn into this ugly ogre now.
Oh well. I really don't know what to say. And i don't need an answer probably cos i don't really care anymore.

But if you ever do need anyone, i'll be here a a friend. Anytime.

other than that, adios my dear friend. Its the old you i miss.

extraordinaire... that's you baby

2008-08-04T17:41:00.008+08:00

:))

heart-felt

champagne people @ bellini

the babe and the baby :)

even walls can't seperate us!

baby aka da chef =D

baby's baby. :(

cruising along the horizons on the first morning

baby girl was curious about the camera phone

i'd say, procrastination!

2008-08-02T14:48:00.003+08:00

And indeed, that should be my greatest weakness. Something i never fail to succumb to (besides mouth-watering potato crisps)

I'm pretty close to hating myself for that very reason/s. Dang. These are the times where I feeel totally out of sync with myself, specifically the functions of my very cranium. To make matters a little worse, I am pretty antagonised by the fact that I still don't know why this is happening, to myself! Call me a human being, but I'm beginning to beg to differ.

Personal issues come and go, yes we all know that. But its just this one that's different. Something that's changing the way I'm thinking about myself. Something that impacting.

perhaps its time i really sit myself down and ask myself why.

Still...

2008-07-17T12:06:00.000+08:00

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

utter disappointment...

2008-07-10T05:29:00.002+08:00

today, i realised that whatever my mother predicted and said is true to a very large extent. And i regret begging to differ for all the times i stood up for my foolishness.

i am so, really very disappointed...

your subtleties, they strangle me

2008-07-09T22:54:00.003+08:00

you'll never ever be my favourite accident.

soul-grinding.

2008-07-08T16:26:00.002+08:00

My eyes are tired from the night's crying. But it hurts whenever I close my eyes - hurts because it lost its moisture to the tears over the night, and hurts even deeper because everything starts coming back to me.
The whirling build-up of emotions that eventually would form into a disastrous tornado that leaves me empty like a barren piece of land. No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending.

The truly difficult answers in life are answers that only you know and you can answer. Those that no one could answer in your stead. Only then, it'd be genuine, thus right.

Perhaps being single is not that bad afterall. Jamies, I know you're probably feeling this already. And I guess, its cos you dont have to worry to be played out again. dont have to think of anyone ese when youre doing something, dont ahve to keeep etting dissapointed from time to time again cos the other half isn't putting in enough effort that you expected on special occasions, no more nonsense.no more me. However some in abundance in return - freedom. Emotional freedom.

All of a sudden, the epilogue of the movie '2 days in Paris' struck me hard. I felt like part of the cast - the part at the end when the women was reciting the conclusion about life and relationships inter-twined.

At the end of everything, you wished that someone would tell you how to feel. Both of you may be sitting in the same room facing each other. But each hurting even more inside not because of the pending seperation but the fact that they knew what they were but circumstances and events have turned the table around - irreversibly damaging to the relationship. How is one ,or two, supposed to feel when they've reached a standpoint and not able to turn back? but still want to hang on because they've already become so used to each other. Then comes the part where they finally walk seperate ways, try to get over it, fool around for a while, then comes along a guy/girl who sweeps them off their feet once more and the whole cycle happens again.

That's 2 days in paris for you. or me. as a matter of fact. For once i felt tht movies are realistic. well, it was picturehouse afterall.

congratulations to you Jamies

2008-07-08T02:51:00.001+08:00

I hate you.

Being so nice just to get what you want and forget how rude/brutal you were.

balls to you, fucker.

flagrant errors of the present ...the future, and me.

2008-07-04T02:05:00.007+08:00

They all came together - as one. And clashed...

They left me hanging. They left me emotionally speechless.
I was robbed of whatever I thought it could be - all my envisioned felicities.
I was emptied of all the memories held at hand.
I was experiencing the power of mistakes.
I was intrigued by its ability to take away all that mattered to me in my heart.
I was, still am... and will always be.

Only to know that I have to hold myself and myself alone for this.
There's nothing else to fight for.
There's no one else to shoulder the boulder's burden with.
There's no way I could live in denial.
There's nothing clearer than my inner self's nagging.
There's no sleep anymore - this peculiar insomnia inducing feeling...

There is only... ... me, and the music... and this slight drizzle that barely begun -incredibly coincidental.

if life throws murphy's law at me, i'm pretty damned sure how doomed i'd be.

放生 - 范逸臣

2008-06-28T17:58:00.002+08:00

地点是城市某个角落
时间在午夜时刻
无聊的人常在这里出没
交换一种寂寞

我静静坐在你的身后
你似乎只想沉默我猜我们的爱情已到尽头
无话可说
比争吵更折磨
不如就分手

放我一个人生活
请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净俐落
沦落就沦落
爱闯祸就闯祸

我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
又何苦还要继续迁就

我静静坐在你的身后
你似乎只想沉默
我猜我们的爱情已到尽头
无话可说
比争吵更折磨
不如就分手

放我一个人生活
请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净俐落
沦落就沦落
爱闯祸就闯祸

我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
就彼此放生留下活口

爱的时候
说过的承诺
爱过以后
就不要强求
从此分手
不必再回头
各自生活

曾经孤单加上孤单是爱火
燃烧过你和我
如今沉默加上沉默更沉默
再没有什么舍不得

放我一个人生活
请你双手不要再紧握
一个人我至少干净俐落
沦落就沦落
爱闯祸就闯祸

我也放你一个人生活
你知道就算继续结果还是没结果
就彼此放生
彼此留下活口

just a bad dream...i wish it was.

2008-06-28T04:55:00.004+08:00

At this point of time, nothing seems to work anymore. Nothing. I feeel so so so fucked up and i'm keeping it all inside. All everyone see and will see is a cheery face - same ole me. This is tearing me apart. Seriously. I want to give up but don't know how to, other than kill myself. It hurts, TERRIBLY. Albeit the fact that most would choose to believe - women have a high threshold of pain, it hurts THAT much. My goodness.

Nobody knows and I do not blame them, for I don't see a point in burdening them with this pain of mine. Nobody would understand anyway. I DO appreciate all the concern and care that everyone has shown. But the matter of fact that no one can tell me: 'I know how you feel'. They can't... ... And i know that damn well.

I can almost feel myself shrinking back into my little shell, shying away from the world. Thus, my choice to hibernate instead of sleep is self explanatory. Every morning, I don't really feeel like waking up to face the world anymore. Everything around me is in a huge whirl of confusion.

I don't know what to do, don't know how to feel, don't know what is going on, don't know how to react.

teach me,Lord...

acute pain overwhelmed with uncertainty...

2008-06-25T04:03:00.002+08:00

Yea, that's how I'm feeling right now, this very moment. God knows when it'll go away and i can't get any sleep now.

This sadistic mixture of physical and emotional turmoil is tough stuff man.

keeeping it strong and going...i'm hanging in there.

surgery... :((

2008-06-24T01:57:00.003+08:00

apparently i've been diagnosed with prolapsed piles and might need to go through surgery... sucks.

2 days mc for me. hope the butt bullet(suppository) works :( or i have to be admitted

nostalgic reminiscence...

2008-06-23T16:29:00.000+08:00

How can i just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When i stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all i can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what i've got to face

I wish i could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much i need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all i can do and that's what i've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos i'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance i've gotta take

Take a look at me now

slumber-less... and rainy

2008-06-22T06:40:00.002+08:00

The relentless flashing of lightning in the eerie reddish gloom of the early sunday morning sky isn't helping me get to sleep at all. Perhaps i do suffer from jet lag after all. Haha. Consolations are the most pathetic loopholes one can ever expose. You get my drift, i hope.

To wonder how am i going to catch up with my studying, is a nightmare on its own. Maybe that explains my conscience's refusal to allow to me sleep - or i'll be jerked up in bed in the middle of the night sweating profusely over the horror of my blank exam paper chopping me up in to bits and pieces. urgh. no thanks.

it'd be good if some of you could drop a little reminder once in a while... hope that tweaks a little of my ass to get me studying. =D

STUDY, ANDREAAAAAAAAA!rawr.

; God save me man.

Broken...

2008-06-03T09:16:00.001+08:00

"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

;drifting...

Can't hold on - Melee

2008-06-02T13:44:00.002+08:00

Someone cries and it washes the street with tears
But when they are mine, they collect in my head for years
Rain or shine, still I'm standing on all I said
'Cause it's in my soul, carry on when the feeling's dead

[Chorus]
But if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there in the morning to pull you through

Someone dies late at night and I never know
And even if I did, so afraid of the face I'd show
I feel trapped and enslaved to this dark contrast
Need a feeling now, give me something that's going to last

[Chorus]

I want to be free
I want to be free
I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free
I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free
Oh, I want to be free
Yes, I want to be free

You say you want to be free
But you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
Oh, but you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
But you can't fool me
You say you want to be free
Oh, but you can't fool me

Oh, and if you can't hold on
You can't hold on (Can't hold on)
You can't hold on (Can't hold on)
I'll be there, I'll be there

Oh, and if you can't hold on
Let it go and come back in your heart
And if you can't hold on
Maybe it's not time for you
And if you can't hold on
On your very last try
I'll be there so you know that you're not alone

intangiblility...

2008-05-28T14:50:00.002+08:00

I find myself taking a liking to reminisce. A little too much i suppose.

The past is like junk in the attic, old pieces that're never meant to stay with us. However, i realised i've been frolicking and tumbling around within the scraps and dusty heap of you-know-what. Perhaps I'm a little too emotional to the point of being... queer? Just, maybe. I don't know.

Or maybe, I'm regretting and wished that deep down, it never had happened. That those old pieces stayed intact, that they would all still serve its rightful purpose instead of laying there, mortified by dust and cob-webs.That would probably explain my tendency to travel back mindlessly... leaving the body just but an empty shell and nothing more.

Whatever it is, I'm not sure when it will stop. But i'll promise to remain sane enough to keep track of reality - at the brink of it.

And before i fall over, CHEMICAL PROCESS PRINCIPLE A report's conclusion stays equally clueless to me. Damn.

;and to think that i'm happy... yes! cos its delinquent night! party time (:

Army of anyone...

2008-05-27T22:35:00.001+08:00

"Leave It"

Last call
feelin' tall
I forget the last night
Please come in
Don't intend
This is good for me no more

I'm starting to believe it
the hardest thing's to feel it
Down in me
Honestly
the hardest thing's to leave it

These temple walls
will not fall
While outside the world grows
They've come as I've withdrawn
now they know I'm hollow

I'm starting to believe it
the hardest thing's to feel it
Down in me
Honestly
the hardest thing's to leave it

It's okay to come down
It's okay to come down
Oh
Oh
Oh

I'm starting to believe it
the hardest thing's to feel it
Down in me
Honestly
the hardest thing's to leave it

No More Looking Back... perhaps.

2008-05-27T01:20:00.003+08:00

Walking along a crowded street
I see thousands of faces before me.
Then I see a face that I used to know
Long ago in my life story.
It starts me thinking about the things you said
For your image is still inside me.
The past is gone but in my head
You’re still walking along beside me.
Is it something playing tricks with my eyes
Or just an illusion deceiving me,
Or is it someone in a disguise
Or visions of things that used to be?

But lately I’ve been going to
All the places that we once knew,
And just when I think that I am free of you
I keep seeing the things that remind me of you,
And just when I think you’re out of my head
I hear a song that you sang or see a book that you read.
Then you’re in every bar, you’re in every cafŽ,
You’re driving every car, I see you everyday,
But you’re not really there ’cos you belong to yesterday.

No more looking back,
No more living in the past,
Yesterday’s gone and that’s a fact,
Now there’s no more looking back.
Got to be hard,
Yeah, look straight ahead.
That s the only way it’s going to be,
Yesterday’s gone and that’s a fact,
Now there’s no more looking back,
Perhaps someday I’ll stop needing you,
Then maybe one day I’ll be free of you.

But lately I’ve been going to
All the places that remind me of you.
And just when I think you’re out of my head
I hear a record you played or see a book that you read.
Then you’re in every bar, you’re in every cafŽ,
You’re driving every car, I see you everyday
But you’re not really there ’cos you belong to yesterday.

No more looking back,
No more living in the past.
Yesterday’s gone, that’s a fact,
Now there’s no more looking back.
No more looking back.
No more living in the past.
Yesterday’s gone, that’s a fact.
Now there’s no more looking back.

No More Looking Back

of the backtracks and updates....

2008-05-25T02:20:00.009+08:00

From a while back... quite a while...

stupid faces high people portray :p

stupid faces I portray...when high. =D

now, where did this come from.

i miss Sara. :(
schools ending in one weeks time
i miss mel-o.
i wanna go to virginia to look for mel and yl!
i wanna go to melb t visit although its winter.
i wanna dye/highlight my hair brownish blonde. (:

Mental tricks...

2008-05-16T18:48:00.003+08:00

heh emo pic!

Damn, why didn't I think that i could actually be a arts person.

cos education singapore is totally screwed. arts is determined by history and geography and literature. I hateD them. so very naturally im a science person. OR perhaps i'm just a jack of all trades and master of none. andrea is so doomed.what is she to do about her life!? :(

and damn again, i wished i could write like how i used to, on my previous blog.

;therefore andrea is saddened...TGIF though!

the motivation from within...or perhaps, nowhere.

2008-05-15T18:04:00.005+08:00

The room's chilly, finally. Big thanks to mom who installed the new aircon! Now, as i take a glance out of the window, its a good thing the heat outside is just, but an imagination and nothing more.

Yesterday and today was spent idling and reflecting in my cosy room. I like my room very much. I didn't do much, but enough for me to be myself - over-pensive at times, reflective, and imaginative (of the future, that is). I'd mentally construct imaginary scenarios that would make my life more exciting, keeping myself amazed for extended bouts of time. Such that these silly daydreams have detached me from reality,just slightly, that i seem not to care less about life in general. I've always been better myself being alone amidst a throng of people and generally doing small things that makes myself personally happy, like peeping over the person standing in front while typing their sms (never gotten caught so far, thank God) or just popping out of nowhere to greet hello to the fellow girlys, or just bitching about nothing and causing it to really sound like something. haha.

Looking back at my life - in terms of my blog's archives as well as the ones stored right in the heart (at least my memory still serves pretty well) (: To think for the past 6 months or so of idling, was a pure waste of my precious time (time obviously didnt seem that dear to me, then). Now that the fact has flipped 180degrees around, back at me, I find myself a little lost. Its hard to admit a flaw, being naturallt humane. However this fact is that undeniable. We, ourselves, choose to govern our life the way we want it to be.

My context is, juggling my priorities is unsightly. I do not wish to be a clown as if life's a circus - of the masks and mere actors. I'd prefer being the CEO of my life, who sits in a comfortable office chair, overlooking a picturesque view of the city and bay, with a pen and organiser that serves me well enough, in a nicely pressed powersuit. If life is just about juggling, then i'd think we can forgo the greater dreams we have set for ourselves(if you even have any, that is).

This is why i love reflecting so much. Because we come out of it wiser, stronger, and refreshed all over again to take on life with a tinge of relish. Its rewarding in a very personal way. If you'd beg to differ, then i'd suggest you amuse yourselves and carry on lambasting if you wish. :)

On a lighter note, no more 'i beg your pardon-s', 'huh-s', and 'what-s'. No more. I have decided to re-form my speech and command of english. I've always found people/subjects who desecrate the english language such a chore to even entertain. Only to find I'm at the verge of becoming one. You can figure out the disgust that grew almost exponentially in me. Ewww.

It would have been much uglier, and a harsher tone if not for the fact that i'm in a fairly good mood. Not speaking garbled english is just but a personal right. So, DO NOT SPEAK TO ME IN BAD ENGLISH, because i think it only reflects poorly on yourself. And speaking good english does not equal to lofty people with the stuck-up attitude. Do broaden your mental spectrum if that ever occurs to you or happen to devole victim to that as a result of inheritance. Too bad for you, i suppose.

As for my life, the most awaited-for news of all. HAHA. More commitments have been materializing as foreboded. Tennis school team trainings are killer and i've yet to do tweaking of lifestyles to that. Workloads are coming in a little intense as well. And i hope to eliminate a few tasks that are on the CEO's 'To-do' list by tonight. Till then, i'll be checking in soon if time permits.

and this is what one year has done to me, and even more...

bitch-some...about a fucktard

2008-05-11T02:05:00.003+08:00

i'm feeeling like how a fucked up bitch feels this very minute, and i hope it goes down by the time i finish typing this. seriously. so here i am, hollering into cyberspace ( which is almost equivalent to mysely =X) while listening to accidentally in love by counting crows. no, not helping at all. not a fucking bit.

come on. get a life. here's you asking me to enjoy myself a thousand and one times as if im not having enough fun, and on the other hand, you come to me almost exactly 24 hours later telling me how HEARTLESS i am that i am ignoring you. hey fuckshit man. i KNOW HOW TO enjoy myself and i DON'T NEED YOU TO ASK ME TO. think about it - retarded. yes, i am having fun, and you know who i'm having so much fun with. so does that make you happy? uh... no. then?

so don't give me the heartless bullcrap okay. you dont just pop out out of the blue and expect me to attend to you. i'd seriously suggest you consider hiring a mistress if you need that kind of service! im so fucking pissed off. and no points for guessing who did. yeah, you.

on another point of note. go and screw other girls. i don't even need to look into your life to tell that you're having fun. you seem like you're having even more fun than me, just through facebook. shit-ass. so, im not gonna be some loser and come telling you, 'just go and enjoy yourself' cos i think you probably ARE ALREADY. if that's gonna make you feel any better, by all means. it doesn't bother me, cos i know what i want. insecure jerk.

i hate your retarded, two-faced nonsense. like fuck off man.

Nostalgia...

2008-05-03T15:39:00.001+08:00

Counting Down The Days - Natalie Imbruglia

You were right.
And I don't want to be here if you're gonna be there.
Was that supposed to happen?
I'll hold tight.
I'll remember to smile.
Though it has been a while.
And without you does it matter?

There's no room.
No place to start.
When our souls are apart.

I want to travel through time.
See your surprise.
I'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight.
I just want to be a million miles away from here.
I'm counting down the days.

How've you been?
It's just the usual here.
And days are feeling like years.
And every day's without you.
Now I cry just a little too much when I think of your touch
And everything about you.

I feel cold.
I'm in the dark.
When our souls are apart.

I want to travel through time.
See your surprise.
I'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight.
I just want to be a million miles away from here.

I want to travel through time.
See your surprise.
I'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight.
I just want to be a million miles away from here.
I'm counting down the days.

I'm counting down the days.
I'm counting down the days.
I'm gonna be you surprise.
I'm gonna hold you so tight.

Yeah!

I want to travel through time.
See your surprise.
I'd hold you so tight.
I'm counting down the days tonight.
I just want to be a million miles away from here.

Balance... that's what you need, boy.

2008-05-02T22:44:00.001+08:00

I remain the face I always was
with slightly more sharpened eyes
this air of confidence still clings to me
shining, clear and strong like the sun
yet I find, at times,
these exterior rays cannot pierce my clouded judgment.

I have learned to love myself
and practiced it so long that it is now natural
to embrace everything I am.
I feed my head,
utilize my body,
stroke my soul...
but am often distracted
as underneath it all,
I strive to fulfill the yearnings of my heart.

it seems,
when I embrace everything
that another is,
I'm spread too thin
betwixt them
and myself.
and as my head's hungering for nourishment
I start to sink teeth into my soul.

it is an art I've yet to master,
that,
of remaining uplifted
while uplifting another.

so lovely to be loved,
yet so facile to be loveless.

;and the song, 'say goodbye' by Chris Brown goes out to you too.

extra miles and whatever it takes...

2008-04-27T09:52:00.005+08:00

Spinning and weaving my own circles of confusion that leads to nowhere - eventually a blackhole that places me onto unfamiliar grounds, yet. Indeed, perhaps I'm trying too hard to love the world. Little thoughts that're unreciprocated - we often take for granted. Too often than not, I've been persuading myself to drop the idea of making someone happy by going the extra mile - even if it means just an unexpected phone call, ending a gathering earlier than usual just to rush home to ensure that you can dash out at any instance to surprise that someone, getting up early to beat the time... anything.

I've learnt that extra miles are taken because we, subconciously, expect the other to be elated or at least, surprised. I do not doubt that it does not cost much at all - loosing a little sleep, missing out a little catching up wiht friends or just a few minutes in our hectic lives... But the bigger thing that extra miles have taken away from me, is the emotional well-being of me. Whenever i find myself stuck in such atrocities of my good intentions, my emotional being erodes like a landslide in a heavy downpour - all because it just doesnt seem to be appreciated. I think i need a life, seriously. Being affected by such gritty events when the world has so much more to offer. Basically, its discouraging to be filled with anticipation only to realise the other has conveniently forgotten all about time or, you. I don't wish to go into details but i hope this is comprehensive enough.

I am not giving up. Because i am still clinging onto hope - that these little things do matter and makes them happy. only because they matter to me. I am not sure how i am going to go about doing this. Here i am, picking myself up again as i type this. Though every fall marks a strike on my heart like an engraving on an ancient scoreboard - irreversible. Soon, there'll be no space left. Then flip my heart around and continue marking those. At least i am still trying, meaning there's still a slight chance that you might be happy. Whatever it takes, i guess. perhaps when i love, i love more than i love myself.

and i think its 'cos i love you more than i love myself.

Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you're a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I have no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had a talk to me like I wanna talk to you

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Please lady please lady
don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won't you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives

Oh, I've been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'pose to see
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it's that little baby you're holding
and it's that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that's truth that's love

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoring
that costs too much to be free
hey lady I've been to paradise
but I've never been to me...

I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...

random train of thoughts on mismatched platforms...

2008-04-23T01:14:00.002+08:00

If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus.

this time, I really wasn't ready.
my thoughts swarmed over with curious fireflies
blinking discovery and revelation.

I traveled, against inner want.
should I not be with my brethren?
how they worry me so, each their own inner turmoil.
so for what, have I journeyed,
idle time spent in habitual play?

to resume the role as slave to the sloppy?
to subject myself to the degradation
of self-righteous perceptions of reliability, responsibility
to hear, once more, why I cannot belong?

when I have an instinctual feel for silent desperation
from those who
begin, and end, build, and complete me
how is it I have walked away?

beyond all doubt,
I came
of course
for him.

I have no other tasks at hand these next few months,
and I do desire to be immersed in his warmth.
yet I am too far to comfort them.
and other options for replacing modern rituals
are about to explode and drastically alter my scenery...
which I will run, full tilt, to pounce upon.

as much as I would enjoy
extending my pleasant stagnation, here,
my resolve seems this time
to be final.

I wish only to revel in fireflies
(they spawn so rapidly in the atmosphere of home.)

for what is life, but a series of moments.
what are moments, but a series of thoughts.
and thoughts, so driven by emotion.

these emotions, stemming
as most say, from the heart...

and my heart beat echoes elsewhere.

when all fades to grey

2008-04-20T01:51:00.005+08:00

today, holding hands has lost its meaning altogether. like a child without exuberence. like a plane without wings.

so now, i'll reach out to yours like i always did.hug you even tighter than how you do when we enter the lift.pull you closer to me as if the world around us came to a standstill. kiss you even when heads would turn our way. cos i want you to feel the happiness that i would feel when someone does that to me. i'll gladly want you to feel loved like how i felt - butterflies fluttering in my tummy.

;cos i finally told you how much i'd always wished you would hold mine in yours. now that you do, its because you know its what i wished for, not because you really wanted to. i don't want to wait till we reach home, or when we're in the lift when no one else but the stars knows i love you. what if i never made it home?

and so a new term begins...

2008-04-17T18:16:00.009+08:00

yet again. yes i know.

first week at school. Having been through a year at it, nothing much really got me excited besides the assignments and contents of my new syllabus that came with the course switch. Haah. I feel like a nerd like never before. but rest assured i feel that im starting to have fun ((: whee!

i desperately need to find out when are the tennis trials for school team, dammit. I so need to play tennis like how i need to feeed an addiction to a certain synthetic drug. man-made. haha. however, i'm giving thanks 'cos that inclination is subdued, just barely.

Man, i ran out of things to type. And i can't put a finger that why this is so. damn. and i suspect its all because i don't have a life. urgh. very demoralising indeed. ohoh! samuel's birthday this sat at phuture. to holla down or not. tough choice :(

anyways, a little picture update (:

i'll let the following pictures do some explanation on how i got this. enjoy (:

how often can you get friends who are willing to drop whatever they're doing on a saturday night, and party with you with just a pathetic 30 minutes notice before hand just because school was gonna start for you? these are the fantastic people. and thus, relating back to the first picture, no points for guessing how hard i partied that night. =D

I'm such a lucky bitch man. :) anyway, to YL and mel, it'll be your turn come 5th of May :) wooots!

you're my star-crossed lover, with that arrow in my heart.

clarity.

2008-04-17T18:02:00.000+08:00

an eternity within a split second
of guided meditation

I was infinite
lain naturally,
naked in the atmosphere
softly settling upon a junction
of all existence

sinking gently into soft sand
a mane of golden locks entwined in tall grass
one palm soaking the energy of the sun
the other resting upon rich soil
knees settled to one side
spine twisted in a spiral
feet submerged in cool water
waves bathing my legs
lapping at my thighs

completely enveloped in the calm,
the image blurring and sharpening
in tune to the soothing rhythm
of the outer body's breath

become, for a moment,
the intangible presence beneath my physical body
gazing down, dreamily,
from above

as I witness myself, below,
writhing, and smiling,

and perfect

eyes closed

shining clarity
throughout the mist shielding me from reality
I awoke from this trance with only one thought

I am this.

and now, after my footfalls on snow
my footprints drowned in a steady stream of other beings
each as human as I
after studying the sensation of winter's chill
the answer
the revelation
this
continues to elude me

yet as I feel something deeper is satisfied
fulfilled in a way I could neither imagine,
nor understand,

for this moment, at least,
there is nothing else.

the people i miss:

2008-03-30T13:09:00.010+08:00

Jaedon. the stupid mischevious charming boy whom i still love.

Mel-o! =D when are we doing our nails again? I miss you laaa :D

Joel aka chinaman yang! Bestest gay buddy =)

sean! the sunshine boyyy :p

Benjiy! we go a longggg wayy back (:

Swang! Melboune will cure the missing, i'm sure =)

Sara, my sleepover at unearthly hours buddy! =D

the camp people!

沉默玩具 - 曹格

2008-03-25T16:48:00.008+08:00

變成了一個影, 隱藏了自己.
bian chen le yi ge ying, ying chang le zi ji
I've turned into a shadow to hide myself from you.
愛情困難呼吸, 我是沉默玩具.
ai qing kun nan hu xi, wo shi chen mo wan ju.
Love has become difficult to take in, and i've become just a sad toy.
執著對你無限情, 模糊我自己.
zhi zhu dui ni wu xian qing, mo hu wo zhi ji
I loved you so deeply, it blinded me.
不願升上白旗, 輸了你的遊戲.
bu yuan shen shang bai qi, shu le ni de you xi.
Although i've lost this game to you, i'm not giving up.
你和他, 對街擁抱, 我看到.
ni he ta, dui jie yong bao, wo kan dao.
I saw everything when you crossed the streets, running into his arms.

為什麼愛上你的人, 是我
wei shen me ai shang ni de ren, shi wo.
Why must I be the one who fell in love with you.
為什麼一廂情願的人, 會難過
wei shen me yi xiang qing yuan de ren, hui nan guo.
Why does disappointment always happen to the one sided wisher?
為什麼對你捨不得的, 總是我.
wei shen me dui ni she bu de de, zong shi wo.
Why am i the one feeling reluctant when it comes to leaving you?
愛上你, 需要那真情意
ai shang ni, xu yao na zhen qing yi
I know it takes all my feelings and sincerity, just to love you.
收在日記裡
show zai ri ji li
But its all kept in my diary.

寂寞天天不休息, 讓甜蜜全也忘記.
ji mo tian tian bu xiu xi, rang tian mi quan ye wang ji.
loneliness isn't giving a break, chasing away all the sweetness that's left
幸福不再美麗, 可是我會在意.
xing fu bu zai mei li, ke shi wo hui zai yi.
Although luck isn't looking good for me, I'm still counting on it.
執著對你無限情, 模糊我自己.
zhi zhu dui ni wu xian qing, mo hu wo zhi ji
I loved you so deeply, it blinded me.
不願上白旗, 輸了你的遊戲.
bu yuan shen shang bai qi, shu le ni de you xi.
Although i've lost this game to you, i'm not giving up.
你和他, 對街擁抱, 我看到.
I saw everything when you crossed the streets, running into his arms.

為什麼愛上你的人, 是我
wei shen meai shang ni de ren, shi wo.
Why must I be the one who fell in love with you.
為什麼一廂情願的人, 會難過
wei shen me yi xiang qing yuan de ren, hui nan guo.
Why does disappointment always happen to the one sided wisher?
為什麼對你捨不得的, 總是我.
wei shen me dui ni she bu de de, zong shi wo.
Why am i the one feeling reluctant when it comes to leaving you?
愛上你, 需要那真情意
ai shang ni, xu yao na zhen qing yi
I know it takes all my feelings and sincerity, just to love you.
收在日記裡
show zai ri ji li
But its all kept in my diary.

'sometimes we build walls around us not because we want to block outselves out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.

like a wilting flower...

2008-03-18T09:48:00.003+08:00

that conversation betweeen us that night, like daggers instead of darts used in a game or two, instantly ripping everything apart cruelly.

I'm sorry if i didn't appear this fragile to you. But i am.
'Forgive and forget' they always say. You're forgiven. And i hope I'll forget this emotionally brutal episode eventually. Its become my daily prayer, begging the Lord to help me win this battle inside me.

And now, the ringing of those words, still so extremely vivid in my cranium, sometimes i feeel i could hardly breathe - like an ugly monster robbing me of
the essence of my bare elements.

;its killing me softly inside. but i'm still smiling at you. don't worry.

ignorance to awareness is a one way street.
too late to detach
like old times.

God damn,
how the tables have turned.
and how very ironic that
self-control
should be my weakness.

the clutches
of dreaded love
on a gluttonous heart
too full, too fast
the opposite of broken.
saturated, and swelling
bittersweet rhythmic aching.

rapidly building pressure
in an already tight chest cavity.

feet firmly planted
on instability
(inconsistent priorities.)
ragged breath from constricted lungs
(fluctuating atmospheres.)
coughing the black tar
of poisonous passion

I wish there were platelets
to clot emotion.
not even rain can quench this wilted flower now.

最长的电影

2008-03-17T17:46:00.001+08:00

我們的開始是很長的電影
Wo men de kai shi shi hen chang de dian ying
Our relationship is the longest movie

放映了三年
Fang ying le san nian
It has been showing for three years

我票都還留著
Wo piao dou hai liu zhe
I'm still keeping the ticket

冰上的芭蕾腦海中還在旋轉
Bing shang de ba lei nao hai zhong hai zai xuan zhuan
The ballet on ice is still revolving in my mind

望著你慢慢忘記你
Wang zhe ni man man wang ji ni
Looking at you, yet slowly forgetting you

## 朦朧的時間我們溜了多遠
Meng long de shi jian Wo men liu le duo yuan
In the haze of time, How far we have skated

冰刀劃的圈　圈起了誰改變
Bing dao hua de quan Quan qi le shei gai bian
The circles made by the skates' blades, whoever's in it changes

如果再重來會不會稍嫌狼狽
Ru guo zai chong lai Hui bu hui shao xian lang bei
If we could start all over again, will it be a tad too awkward

愛是不是不開口才珍貴 ##
Ai shi bu shi bu kai kou cai zhen gui
Is love more precious when it is kept in the heart?

再給我兩分鐘
zai gei wo liang fen zhong 　
Please give me two more minutes

讓我把記憶結成冰
Rang wo ba ji yi jie cheng bing
Let me freeze these memories forever

別融化了眼淚　
Bie rong hua le yan lei
Don't let your tears fall

你妝都花了
Ni zhuang dou hua le
Smudging your makeup

要我怎麼記得
Yao wo zen me ji de
How can I remember?

記得你叫我忘了吧
Ji de ni jiao wo wang le ba
I remember you told me to forget

記得你叫我忘了吧
Ji de ni jiao wo wang le ba
I remember you told me to forget

你說你會哭
Ni shuo ni hui ku
You said you would cry

不是因為在乎
Bu shi yin wei zai hu
But not because you care

Its been almost a year, and im on my way home now

2008-03-16T16:37:00.005+08:00

I'm staring out into the night,trying to hide the pain.
I wish i could go to the place where love and feeling good, don't ever cost a thing.
Where the pain you feel is a different kind of pain,
Where your love has always seemed enough for me.
Those places and the faces are getting old,miles are getting longer,
the closeri get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But my love, remains true.
I don't know why, I always seem to give it another try.
And I'm running away from it.

Thinking back when we first met, I remember what you said - You said you'd never leave me.
I let go of your hand, Built my castle in the sand, But now I'm reachin' out again
And I'm not letting go.

Summers and winters have come and gone, millions of people have passed me by, but I still feel all alone, and I want to go home.
My words, cold and flat. I know you deserve more than that. I'm just too far from where you are - just let me go home.
I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life.
It’s like I just stepped outside,when everything was going right.
And I don't know just why you just could not come along with me.
This was not my dream, but you always believed in me.

Not letting go till you hold me in your arms again.
Sometimes I feel so alone that I gotta find my way back home
So why don't you shape me, make me,
Wash me whiter than the snow and, I gotta find my way back home.

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight

;during the stay, i realised I want to love you so much, but i don't know who you are. Like a silhouette behind the enormous white sheet draped across the ceiling. So tell me, should i stay or should i go. Till i'm home again, I belong to you.

Who are you? you keep me wondering, wondering about you.

Personalities and their complications.

2008-03-12T16:01:00.001+08:00

The Portait of the Healer (INFP)

Healer Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in striving for their ends, and investigative and attentive in their interpersonal relations. Healer present a seemingly tranquil, and noticiably pleasant face to the world, and though to all appearances they might seem reserved, and even shy, on the inside they are anything but reserved, having a capacity for caring not always found in other types. They care deeply-indeed, passionately-about a few special persons or a favorite cause, and their fervent aim is to bring peace and integrity to their loved ones and the world.

Healers have a profound sense of idealism derived from a strong personal morality, and they conceive of the world as an ethical, honorable place. Indeed, to understand Healers, we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. The Healer is the Prince or Princess of fairytale, the King's Champion or Defender of the Faith, like Sir Galahad or Joan of Arc. Healers are found in only 1 percent of the general population, although, at times, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.

Healers seek unity in their lives, unity of body and mind, emotions and intellect, perhaps because they are likely to have a sense of inner division threaded through their lives, which comes from their often unhappy childhood. Healers live a fantasy-filled childhood, which, unfortunately, is discouraged or even punished by many parents. In a practical-minded family, required by their parents to be sociable and industrious in concrete ways, and also given down-to-earth siblings who conform to these parental expectations, Healers come to see themselves as ugly ducklings. Other types usually shrug off parental expectations that do not fit them, but not the Healers. Wishing to please their parents and siblings, but not knowing quite how to do it, they try to hide their differences, believing they are bad to be so fanciful, so unlike their more solid brothers and sisters. They wonder, some of them for the rest of their lives, whether they are OK. They are quite OK, just different from the rest of their family-swans reared in a family of ducks. Even so, to realize and really believe this is not easy for them. Deeply committed to the positive and the good, yet taught to believe there is evil in them, Healers can come to develop a certain fascination with the problem of good and evil, sacred and profane. Healers are drawn toward purity, but can become engrossed with the profane, continuously on the lookout for the wickedness that lurks within them. Then, when Healers believe thay have yielded to an impure temptation, they may be given to acts of self-sacrifice in atonement. Others seldom detect this inner turmoil, however, for the struggle between good and evil is within the Healer, who does not feel compelled to make the issue public.

The most sensitive of the Idealists is the Healer (INFP). While their list of jobs may echo that of other Idealists, they are more drawn to express their own unique vision of the world that all other types, so their work cannot help but be unique. They interpret their visions in the world of music, art, entertainment, or dance. As a professor or teacher, counselor or social worker, they often unlock the mysteries of life for those they encounter. In business they are drawn to organizational development and human resources careers. They may have a religious calling or seek work as a librarian. Their careers need to be in alignment with their personal values. Says Kay, “I chose health education so I could touch the lives of others to help them make better choices about their lives. I know I’ve done some good.”

All Idealists seek to have a life of meaning, to help themselves and others grow to be the best that they can be. They do not want to be a copycat of someone else, but want to be seen as a unique and valuable individual.

going back to get away after everything has changed.

2008-03-11T12:39:00.006+08:00

Hey you.

Its been a long time since we spoke, i know. I don't know how you feel about everything but I guess, its all for looking back's sake. If i ever felt that i need to apologise, I'd rather apologise to myself for screwing it all up. We're not talking about hate anymore - we never did.

We were only about the 'How are you's and the ' How is everything's and... All we thought were probably 'What are you thinking' and 'Why don't you tell me more'.
I didn't want to voice it out cos' I wanted to respect your privacy and i made that overrule my urge to show that little more concern that i needed to show. Perhaps thats how i am to you too. Shutting you off and all. Perhaps I really did.

we're not strangers, we're not friends.
we're not good friends, we're not best friends, we're not special friends.
we're not lovers, we're not together.
so the thing is, what are we?

Funny that I'm still addressing 'us' as 'us' when we're living seperate lives. Perhaps its naive for me not to realise you've moved on without a tinge of reminisence. Whereas here i am, stuck in my own reverie. Silly, you must be thinking - i always was, to you.

<so that was where we stopped. there's no moving on. not now, not ever. I promise i'll revisit that place once in a while, enough to feed that portion of happy memories. Like the absurdly queer name i gave you - cowbit, at bunny park the other day. Seems like it was just the other day. but i never saw today. and never saw it that way. >

You called me from the room in your hotel
All full of romance for someone that you met
And telling me how sorry you were, leaving so soon
And that you miss me sometimes when you’re alone in your room
Do I feel lonely too?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can’t go on just holding on to time
Now that we’re living separate lives
Well I held on to let you go
And if you lost your love for me, well you never let it show
There was no way to compromise
So now we’re living (living)
Separate lives

Ooh, it’s so typical, love leads to isolation
So you build that wall (build that wall)
Yes, you build that wall (build that wall)
And you make it stronger

Well you have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
Some day I might (I might) find myself looking in your eyes
But for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Yes for now, we’ll go on living separate lives
Separate lives

insomnia overdose

2008-03-09T03:28:00.003+08:00

In my life. there will be three days that marks my exsistence in this world -

1) the day i was born
2) the day i get married to the one i love wholeheartedly
3) the day i know why am i here

It is my daily prayer that 3 happens before 2. Its 0334 and I'm forty winks, consumed by the absence of light as i lay upright in bed - motionless. Contrary to that, my mind is spinning in circles relentlessly. I'm dying to read finsh the book i just picked up from Borders earlier this day. The Passion Test by Janet Bray & Chris Attwood.

Who AM i?

Till the day I find an answer, I remain the blind bat, flying around in circles at night aimlessly. A listless wanderer down the streets of London, her face blank as a sheet of paper.

Today...

2008-03-01T18:36:00.004+08:00

today, i dont know myself anymore.
today, i have lost all of my senses.
today, i realised i dont know who i am anymore.
today, i realised perhaps, i have changed.
today, i shy back into my shell and hide from who i am
today, i realised my soul is pulverized. like a disintegrated piece of old metal.
corroded and ugly.

I think i have turned into a horrendous beast.
I think i am lost. Lost in a crazy world.
I think i am crazy, not the world.
I don't know what i'm doing anymore.
I don't know who's real and who's not. I never knew.

I'd like to take shelter in my very own world, like a battlefield.
I'd like to take myself to another world.
I'd like to be in the world of that other person's eyes i look into.
I'd like to stop hating myself.
I'd like to stop hurting.
I'd like to stop deceiving myself.
I'd like to know something real. just something. Anything

God, i think i should stop leaving you text messages and talk to you instead.

chasing dreams

2008-02-29T04:08:00.004+08:00

its like you finally wake up one day, open the door, and sunlight just hits you so hard in the eyes that you are literally taken aback. Then, a warm feeling in your tummy that rises to your head almost instantly that tells you - today, IS a good day. And from that minute on, you know how and what what life really means to you. As you look upon the shimmering morning dew drops that litter the grasslands, as you watch the incandescent peeping sunrays over the horizon setting the treetops ablaze, as you uncover the mysteries of life you never thought about.

It has always been there, like how God is. But somehow we are caught up with our own pride and perceptions too often, we neglect the mere facts of life. We forget the simplicity of it all.

To me, life is a pattern - A pattern no matter what we do or relate to. Many do not realise that we can learn from every mistake we make. That we realise our strength only after we overcome a what seemed unreasonably difficult hurdle. Or that sometimes, certain decisions in life are actually realisations-lived-out. I do not know how else to explain myself due to my limited range of vocabulary. However, i could elaborate if we meet in australia - melbourne. Then we'll talk over tea ;)

;and for the first time, i'm chasing my dreams so closely.

Rainy...

2008-02-26T02:45:00.004+08:00

Jolted out of bed. Its pouring heavily outside. I guess my time has come.

2 choices - run and hide, or face it boldly and overcome the hurdle with courage.

Slumped in the tiny corner of my cosy room, here I am, watching raindrops pelt on my window pane relentlessly. My mind, whitewashed - a total contrast to the dark rainy night I am staring into. I am wishing so much for someone to tell me what to do. Right or wrong, isn't my connundrum anymore. Its become the choosing of paths that matters, and whatever bumps that lies ahead in whichever choice I decide upon.

Whichever is more scabrous, we don't know. But we can be definite that life is never a bed of roses and it is how we go about these hard stuff in life.

Ok,my decision is settled upon.

;i think its time i left God another text message.

Shopping, late dinners and the clubs

2008-02-25T05:50:00.007+08:00

Lime and Barley =)

Its such a pity that my usb bluetooth adaptor mysteriously disappeared. If not for that, i'd be posting more awesome pictures from my phone. Haha. Anyhoos,

good morning. I just woke up.

Damn, some kind of lifestyle I'm living man. Time to do some tuning to my bio-clock. I hope circumstances would allow me so.

On the other side, I am gonna play tennis for club. =s I have no idea how its gonna turn out... ... Haah!

Seasons are changing,And waves are crashing,And stars are falling all for us.
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter,I can show you I'll be the one

分手快樂 - 梁靜茹

2008-02-21T12:27:00.000+08:00

我无法帮你预言
委曲求全有没有用
可是我多么不舍　
朋友爱的那么苦痛
爱可以不问对错　
至少有喜悦感动
如果他总为别人撑伞　
你何苦非为他等在雨中
泡咖啡让你暖手　
想挡挡你心口里的风
你却想上街走走　
吹吹冷风会清醒的多
你说你不怕分手　
只有点遗憾难过
情人节就要来了　
剩自己一个
其实爱对了人　
情人节每天都过
分手快乐　祝你快乐　
你可以找到更好的
不想过冬　厌倦沉重　
就飞去热带的岛屿游泳
分手快乐　请你快乐　
挥别错的才能和对的相逢
离开旧爱　像坐慢车　
看透彻了心就会是晴朗的
没人能把谁的幸福没收
你发誓你会活的有笑容
(你自信时候真的美多了)

我不配- Jay chou

2008-02-21T12:16:00.001+08:00

这街上太拥挤　
太多人有秘密　
玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪　
在还原那场雨　
这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里
这日子不再绿　
又斑驳了几句　
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
电影院的座椅　
隔遥远的距离　
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋

还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关于
描述我如何爱你　
你却微笑的离我而去

这感觉已经不对　
我努力在挽回
一些些应该体贴的感觉我没给
你嘟嘴许的愿望很卑微在妥协
是我忽略　你不过要人陪

这感觉已经不对　
我最后才了解
一页页不忍翻阅的情节你好累
你默背为我掉过几次泪多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配

我已经不对　
我努力挽回
分手我忽略后要人陪
这感觉已经不对　
最后才了解
oh多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪你的美我不配

Thank you, Jaedon.

2008-02-18T13:45:00.007+08:00

Thank you for the 4 months of:

joy
laughter
sunshine
frustrations
nonsense
love
mischief
companion
whimpers for attention
jumping up and down excitedly when i come home
making me all drenched during your bath
shooting off and then running back to me again
playing tackle with me
lying on my lap when you're in the car
falling asleep in the car after a day at the beach

Though 4 months is not that long a period of time, but I'm missing you so badly. There will never be a day that goes by without me wishing that you'll come running back home to me again. I love you. the 3 most powerful words i ever knew.

;now its like cutting me open and i just keep bleeding love.till is all gone, it hurts sometimes when i think about it.

Finally, picture update!

2008-02-17T17:12:00.009+08:00

I can't believe it. I still miss Jaedon so fucking much. That also explains the relentless raging of emotional turmoil in me although its been a month since his escapade.

His first squeaky toy.

He's happy cos he loves my room - forbidden zone.

Standard husky pose. =P

Protecting his new toy.

Hope and prayers are all I've got for now, i guess.

Sabah Pictures! As you can see, I played nanny. But it turned out a common assumption by others, as my KID. GOODNESS. I think i really AM getting old. :( Not good.

going back to the main island

chilling by the beach having drinks :)

on our way back with little miss sticky =D

playing nanny, again.heh

cutie pie and me!

White water rafting level 2- completed!

All set to return home

My bloods, my loves =)

Post Chinese new year

2008-02-13T06:22:00.001+08:00

Ok,its officially 0621 as I start blogging and I'm hungry although I had supper just a couple of hours back. A ridiculous appetite for someone who's intending to loose weight. Pffft.

So, chinese new year wasn't fantastic. Its wierd how the festive mood deteriorates as you get older, only for the chinese new year. Now i finally start to realise why most of the older generation are not enthusiastic about the occasion the least bit. They just turn up for the sake of showing their face to complete the huge round tables like an unfinished jig-saw puzzle that is only pieced together once a year.

Believe it or not. Yours truly, ended up having quite a string of bumper holidays-drinking and partying. It all started a few days before the chinese new year.

Clowns. Outside Access Room @ Boat Quay at about 5am I think.

The lost little boy whom I still cant get over.

One of the most enriching periods in my life. Camps. This is Aji.

Motivational insights from Daddy and mummy - thats what they called us, trainers. LOL. I look wierd!

Memories. Memories, good or bad, are memories because they are the nuts and bolts that hold us together as an individual. Only because we owe it all to that for who we are today. Not entirely, of course, but a good part of it. The other would be our ability to discern reality from past. Thus when we are able to do that, we'd utilise the fact that we have a past to learn from, to move forward in life.

Somehow, as much as I am clear headed about my responsibilities and duties, I feel as if I'm going through a transition stage. A transition that I've been caught in, never to leap out of. A transition where everything happens in cycles. Vicious cycles that would probably kill me even sooner than i knew it happened. Do I luxuriate in the way things are? If not, then why am I stuck in it?

Its a venus fly trap kind of transition, i feel.

It be greatly appreciated if one could render my predicament as to why its happening. Perhaps, its normal.

On a lighter note, I MISS SABAH. And i'm very definite I'm going BACK. =D
A perfect place where i spent the last few days of the year 2007 -relaxing, reflecting and indulging. Here are some peeks into my getaway:

My room,with an HUGE attached bathroom and seaview!

First day, getting ready to go out for dinner. Sis and I.

This is the apartment we stayed in. Sunset shot. Awesome seafront location.

The view from my balcony. =)

Halfway up Mt Kinabalu. not my kid holding my had, its my godcousin, Kiara. =D

Little things that make little ones contented-ice cream!

Happy siblings caught on candid!

Dinner at Little Italy - Uncle's Fabulous restaurant.

We had alot of fun cos we were bored =p

only two days worth of pics. I'll get the rest of the white water rafting and beach outing pics from the brother. Meanwhile, you guys take care.

I wish i could keep bleeding love, cos i dont mind dying that way.

Wait for you - Elliot Yamin

2008-02-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door ooooo
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

[Bridge]

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Verse 2]

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

[Bridge]

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

[Chorus]

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

[Bridge]

So why does you pride make you run & hide
Are you that afriad of me?
But I know it's a lie what your keeping inside
Thats not how you wanted to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it's the last thing i do

[Chorus]

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting.

2008-01-26T00:21:00.000+08:00

Today, I lost 2 friends.

Hello World.
First my parents. then my friends...

What else?

FUCK YOU. JUST TAKE ME INSTEAD.

2008-01-22T15:43:00.000+08:00

I've taken my break.

Its high time i start preparing for foundation! =)

Back to the books. Double degree in Commerce and Law. Tough stuff.

2008-01-21T13:16:00.000+08:00

She falls apart
By herself
no one there to talk or understand
feels the same
dries her eyes
finds herself, opens a door and sighs

people see right through you
everyone knew you well
falls apart
might as well
Day is long and nothin' is wasted

Run away, Run away
hold you tomorrow but your goin' away
Run away, run away
hold you tomorrow but you're leavin' today

You walk alone
By yourself
There's the sound, nothin' is changin'
They've gone away
Left you there
Emptiness in nothin' you can't share

All those words that hurt you
More than you would let it show

Comes apart
By yourself
Always well but nothing is wasted

Run away, run away
hold on to you but you're goin' away
Run away, run away
Hold you tomorrow but your leavin' today

Sometimes I feel aroused so I cannot be down
all the time I've been on my owm
any sound of being here
time to wastearound a friend
I know where to runaway.
no where to run away yeah!

She falls aprt, no one there
hold her hand and seems to disappear
falls apart
might as well
Day is long and nothin' is wasted

Run away, run away
Hold on to you but your goin' away
run away, run away
Hold you tomorrow but you're leavin' today

2008-01-18T14:06:00.001+08:00

JAEDON'S MISSING. IM SO FUCKING SAD.

2008-01-18T11:07:00.000+08:00

Everyone's broken. Everyone's torn. Even when we seem like we don't give the slightest fuck about it. We actually are.

And deep in the quiet night when we are all alone, and there's nowhere else to run. We withdraw into our little shells and cry. Break down not because we want to but because we are only human afterall. And family members may be differing but never substituted.
Ignorant i may seem, because i want to believe that they will all grow old one day and their childish mindsets will alternate. Childish because everyone is trying to change everyone.

Stop judging and start accepting with giving a little love and freedom. and a daily prayer as the day closes in. Love, regardless of who they are, what they've done or where they are. Love because you pledged to, at the church's alter in front of God that very day. Love because God loves them too. Love, because you'll need it too. It is not easy as it seems but we all must try, with the end goal in mind. If a loved one were to climb the wrong mountain in life, I'd not aid but instead, accompany them though the asperously scabrous journey.

Concentrate on the next hurdle in life and how to overcome it rather than trying to change people and situations around you. That obstacle is not going to budge. You will have to find your way around it. Talking will not help the least bit.

Mom and dad, this is for you. Love each other they way you used to. Whoever said love was conditional. Love the way you used to love. You dont stop loving cos' they're changed. Daddy's still daddy. And mummy's still mummy. That's not going to change either.

Does anyone hear me? =(

P.S -and baby,you'llalways be baby too. hehe =D
Sorry for being difficult the past few nights. I'm sorry.

2008-01-17T04:02:00.000+08:00

I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around
Like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know,
Don't seem to care
What your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's whats going on,
Nothing's fine I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune teller's right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things that I can't touch, I'm torn

imwalkingdownthestreetsoflondonbarefootedandalone;

2008-01-11T16:30:00.000+08:00

whisk me off to melbourne!

whee, i know i've been telling peeps not t read my blog cos its not entirely about my life - its just an avenue for me to run to when distress sets in. Which means, when i don't blog, I'm happy =D so be happy, too!

I've picked up a book lately - Success built to last by Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery and Mark Thompson.
Its a really good book that i'd recommend. The idea of success is driven by the passionate motivation of oneself, due to the love for whatever he/she is good at, which is sufficient to endure through whatever difficulties faced, almost WITH JOY! I'd love that man. They call it the Mandela Effect - abstrated from the story of Nelson Mandela and his efforts to eliminate Aparthied.

People make mistakes. Very often, we are deluded by the society's emphasis on materialistic living. Thus, we throw ourselves blindly at what they claim is 'gold'. But have you ever paused for a minute and wondered about the treasure within yourself? This was what hit me so hard one night as insomnia consumed my resting hours till the break of dawn. I was deluded, i made a mistake. Kill me? Of course not.

I guess i'm still confused about where my passion lays, and am taking time off to realise that. Guess i refuse to compell to 'fact' that I have to stay and finish my course. There's a price to pay, of course - that is that i wont be able to return. In short, I refuse to adopt singaporean mindsets about education. This is about what i want in life, not what i have to.

But, not so. I'm starting ID work and the first project will come in about March, which gives me sufficient time to read up on ID and do my research. Other than that, I'll continue reading while i recieve more things/opportunities and directions that come my way. I hope i'll make it in time over to Melbourne to stay with SWANGGG while i complete foundation! It'll be so awesome. Then i'll only be back sometime end of this year. =) then back again to do a double degree, hopefully. that will take me another 5 years.

Its like a refreshing gust of North-East wind that brushes gently across your face that could probably wake you up from the drudgery of the monotonus humdrum of life. This is my time. to make things right. as much as i want to, I'm not going to rush into anything and enjoy little things in life that we often take for granted. This is what i call life,in my perspective. Doing what i enjoy. is what i call, success. Cos it begins with the heart, where neither words nor money could ever replace,for it never ceases.

i could go on typing forever man. =\
I will not go on deluding myself that i like something that i dont. it doesnt make any sense =)

P.S-i'm only done with the first chapter. So down to the second now =)

2008-01-04T10:00:00.001+08:00

& she can't seem to stop crying,like how she did yesterday.

I don't wanna live today as if I don't care about tomorrow. If I had one wish, it would be to know what would happen tomorrow and the following days ahead.

But today, I realise, perhaps, you don't understand me even though its been 18 years.
I know I can't blame you all for not understanding, I wasn't open enough to talk to any of you. I preferred keeping things to myself.
As I type this between sniffles and sobs, I don't even think you'd ever read this anyway.
If you have tried to understand me but to no avail, i know its not your fault. Its me. I am the one who refuse to talk to any of you.

But I just want you to know that I cry when I see daughters taking a happy picture with their father. and when they tell the world how much they love their mum.

I feel so small.

;God,thank You for reading.I don't blame you either.

2008-01-01T13:34:00.000+08:00

why am i eluding myself that i dont need you. i think i dont. i guess so...

somuchforanewyearpost.thankyousomuch.fuckyou,alright.